Holidays for those of us with dysfunctional, unhealthy people in our lives can be a harrowing experience. We have to some how take strained, tenuous and difficult relationships with people who can be dishonest, underhanded and secretive and somehow create a loving, accepting atmosphere of good tidings and great cheer, as the holidays call for. It's next to impossible! But for the sake of our children, the ones we've given birth to and the little one we have inside of ourselves - our love-starved inner child - we try.
Every year I approach the holiday season with trepidation, wondering what will happen; preparing myself mentally to make it through Christmas and New Years without being baited into some kind of dysfunctional drama. It's expected, at least by myself, that when you put together a bunch of people with unresolved issues that have never been honestly discussed, the shit will hit the fan in some manner or fashion.
I've made a lot of progress in therapy. I've looked a lot at my own dysfunctional behavior, accepted parts of me that I never knew existed, embraced them and tried to understand their purpose - my angry side, my nasty, accusatory side; my withholding side; my punishing side. Armed with all I've learned I felt confident that I could safely walk away from any attempt to label me, pull me into family drama or scapegoat me. What is the saying again, "Pride goes before the fall" -- no truer words have ever been written!
There were the usual recipes for disaster: My younger sister's abusive boyfriend in the backroom, making his unhappiness known. He did not participate in any of the festivities. He never got dressed and moped around in an old robe, grumbling to himself. When anyone attempted to invite him into conversation, he hinted at how unhappy he was. Towards the end of the night, he showered and got dressed and left. Even though he was mostly ignored, my little sister was then very interested in when he'd be back. She warned that if he didn't come back to take her to work she'd call the police, describe his car to the "T" and tell them he was driving around with drugs in it.
I was amazing! I let the bait swing in front of my face like some unappetizing worm. I never said a word; I just listened. Well, he did make it back, barely. But then my sister looked at me and asked pointedly if I would be dropping her off at work! I was very confused. I told her, "Didn't you want him to take you? After all, this is when you can spend quality time together." I smiled and so did she. It wasn't until afterward that I realized she didn't really want him to take her to work; she just wanted to make sure he'd come back so she wouldn't feel abandoned.
There was a dinner celebration for my cousin canceled at the last minute by a very formal text message. I responded by text message about my feelings about that, having canceled prior plans to make room for the dinner, and took my kids out to dinner regardless. I was mentally patting myself on the back.
On my way to the dinner on the rescheduled date, I called to get the exact address and learned that they were already there. Why hadn't anyone called me, I asked. It was told that I was called and they had waited for me. I was home and hadn't received any call but I was told to check my cellphone. I did check my cellphone and saw two missed calls. Why hadn't anyone called me at home, I asked? The answer was given by my older sister with a nasty, snarl, Why would she do that?
Having learned after the fact of many family outings where I was mysteriously not invited or forgotten, yes, I pushed the issue. Did she think it was unreasonable to ask why I hadn't been called at home? She responded, "Oh, God, please don't start." I live 15 minutes away from the restaurant! A call to my home, and I would have been there in no time. There would have been no need to "wait" for me. But the call was placed twice to my cellphone, when after the first time, it was clear that I was not picking up. And of course, no message had been left. I had been told we were meeting at 6:30 and I said as much. Looking at me like I was crazy, she said, "No one told you 6:30. It was always 6:00 o'clock." Turning her face away she shook her head, "See, I told you," she said to the others.
I told her that she seemed to have an attitude, "Was there something wrong?" I asked, "If so, I have no problem with leaving". I told her I was not interested in dealing with her attitude. "Just sit down" she responded, in annoyance. I told her as long as I would not have to put up with her attitude, I was okay. "Gosh. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too." She responded flippantly. Taking a seat away from her I then pretty much ignored her for the rest of the meal. Not bad, I thought to myself. But not good either. In retrospect, I shouldn't have said anything to her. But live and learn, right?
There was the long time friend who has such trouble during holidays with her own internal demons that it becomes so difficult for her to express love and appreciation. Gifts, if they are even purchased, are not given on time or sometimes not at all. I won't pretend to understand it all and certainly won't attempt to explain it. All I understand is that her fear of rejection and abandonment causes her to reject people and abandon them. She seems to justify her behavior by projecting her feelings of fear onto others - ascribing them with ill-intentions that they don't have; desiring them to come to her and reassure her of their love while she remains in a safe cocoon of detachment.
So I received a text message saying Merry Christmas on Christmas Day. Later on in the day, I received a call. There was no mention of gifts during the call so I didn't press the issue. Long ago, I'd lowered my expectations, knowing that usually I'd be met with disappointment. Unfortunately, to minimize feelings of resentment, I couldn't be myself and give as generously and with the love and affection that I'd usually show. Between her and I existed a sad state of affairs.
On New Years Day, I sent a text message to her saying "Happy New Year", and not being able to resist I mentioned that our relationship seemed to be on its way to becoming as distant as some of her other friendships. So the day after, I receive an email with an expected explanation. She felt embarrassed about her prior behavior; she convinced herself I was too much trouble; she'd been afraid; she kept putting it off, but she did have gifts and she'd bring it by this weekend.
On the day she brought over the gifts an atmosphere of tension lingered for the duration of her visit. There were many pregnant silences as what was left unsaid hung in the air. But even so, I believed I handled this as best as I could. I now know I cannot solve the problems of other people, even my closest friends. I cannot "fix" her and make it better. No amount of love, understanding and generosity would ever make her feel good enough. Trying to give it only left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I could and would no longer do that to myself.
So then we reach where I lost my battle. I brought in the New Year at my younger sister's home and planned to leave my kids there so they could spend some time with their cousins. My son could spend the day with my nephew since there are only two boys in the family; they are very close. It wasn't until the early morning when everyone was leaving to go to my older sister's house that I learned my nephew was going ice skating and to the mall with some of the older cousins. I pointed out that Christian was looking forward to hanging out with him, and if he remained home with my daughter and my niece he'd be stuck spending New Years Day with two girls and that wouldn't be too much fun for him. The protest I received was about money, since they said he needed to have about $30 to go. I reassured them that he had some Christmas money with him. Would $20 be enough, I asked? Sure, it was said, and so he got himself ready to go with them.
I have to add here, my son, having been diagnosed with autism at an early age has in the past been "left out" of family plans. Maybe it's the autism or maybe it's my legacy, as I am also too, because of my vocal identification of family dysfunction, left out of family plans as well.
What I learned later that evening is while the boys slept together in the basement (my neice's boyfriend and my nephew), and no doubt played X-Box until the wee hours of the morning, my son was sent upstairs to my older sister's room. She insisted that it was too cold for him down there. To top it off, he did not end up going with his cousin to the mall. Instead, my older sister agreed that they'd have to "watch him" and as a generous act of concession, ended up taking him with her and her daughter (who'd she also kept from going as well) shopping at Macy's. AS if all of this was not bad enough, she insisted that he "treat" her daughter to lunch with his Christmas money!!!
My son told me all of this in an exasperation, as he was very upset. Well ,so was I! My nephew said it hadn't been his idea that my son not go with them, but my niece's. The finger pointing had begun. It didn't matter whose idea it had been to me, just that this had been allowed to happen. Why hadn't my sister insisted that he go along?
But knowing my older sister and how she likes to manage and control others for her own benefit, I know his welfare and his feelings were the last thing on her mind. I toyed with the idea of sending her an email or perhaps leaving a message. Instinctively I knew speaking to her would be unpleasant. I ended up calling her house, thinking she would be at work, only unfortunately to find out that she wasn't. Over-confident, I asked in a non-confrontational, curious voice, what happened with my son on New Years Day.
Well, she launched into a flowery explanation of how the teenagers (my son is 12 and the "teenagers are 13, 15 and 17) didn't want to bring my son with them because they felt he'd have to be watched and so she'd volunteered to take him with her. She said he was excited to go! She said they had a wonderful time shopping and she also "took" him out to eat and everything went well.
I told her that he had confessed to me that he was upset -- well, no sooner than the words were out of my mouth did she start flustering and stuttering about how I was making a big deal out of nothing, that what I was saying wasn't true, that I had made it up. I kept trying to ask her just to listen to what my son said he felt but she was having none of it.
Wasn't she interested in his feelings, I asked? She asked bitterly, her voice heavy with sarcasm, "Okay, what did he feel"? But I wasn't able to utter a word before she was again accusing me of making things up and then like that, click, the phone hung up.
Well, I'm afraid I saw red. One of my triggers is having the phone hung up on me. I called back and she refused to answer so I left a nasty message of what I thought of her controlling, bullying, manipulative, nasty behavior. Then I called my younger sister to ask her to calm me down before I did something I'd regret.
My younger sister called my older sister and then called me and said she'd spoken to her. While we were on the phone, the other line rang and I saw it was her. My older sister started off again, with another equally flowery explanation of how my younger sister had made her understand that when my son said something he didn't always say what he really meant, and perhaps not having spent time with him, she didn't understand that. Talk about condescending! My son is very high functioning. He is pretty much a typical 12 year old boy. She claimed she asked him three times if he was okay with spending the day with her and each time he'd said yes.
But you see, I know my older sister; I know how she asked him which is, she didn't. She TOLD him where he was going and reassured him that he was okay with it. He had already told me that she never asked him; that she just told him, but I know her well so this came as no surprise.
I asked her why was she able to talk to my younger sister but not to me. She told me that I had accused her and she didn't like to be accused. Of course this wasn't true. Like in the restaurant, no sooner had I opened my mouth to ask a question did she react in anger. I pointed this out and she told me in no uncertain terms did she want to talk to me about us. She said she had no problem with me, that I was the one with the problem and she only wanted to talk about my son. She told me she'd made a mistake in asking him to pay for her daughter's food. She said when she goes out with the kids she always gives them her all so she thought it was his turn to treat my niece.
More lies. My older sister is cheap beyond understanding. She'll buy one happy meal for three children and expect them to share. She doesn't give her all to anyone. She was taking advantage of him and lying about it. I'm afraid I ended the conversation telling her that it was clear that she had a problem with me but I was no longer going to tolerate her abuse and if she hung up the phone on me again or spoke to me like she had earlier one more time, she would get it (okay, in nastier words than that) -- then I hung up the phone.
So yes, I failed. I let myself get baited, hooked and trapped into family drama and edged on to act like the "bad guy". I didn't spend a lot of time feeling bad about it. I know how unproductive that is. What happened is I had a dream!
In the dream, my mother and my sisters, my oldest sister who lives in Maryland that I haven't spoken to in years and my older sister who I described above were all telling me how much they hated me. It was very painful and frustrating. I couldn't talk to them; they wouldn't let me. Every time I tried to speak they'd cut me off. They kept explaining to me why they were perfectly justified in hating me! But here is the eerie thing. They were all smiling and laughing and speaking with soft voices. They were saying the most hateful, horrible things, but all the while they were also "acting" like they didn't have a problem with me at all!
I woke with a very deep and clear understanding. There is no more heinous an act than when someone says that they hold no ill feelings towards another but behaves in a way that clearly shows that they do. Isn't this a common element in all my relationships? My friend says she loves me; past boyfriends have said they love me; my family says they have no problem with me but how have they treated me in the past? BADLY.
So here is the message that has been reinforced since childhood.
Every year I approach the holiday season with trepidation, wondering what will happen; preparing myself mentally to make it through Christmas and New Years without being baited into some kind of dysfunctional drama. It's expected, at least by myself, that when you put together a bunch of people with unresolved issues that have never been honestly discussed, the shit will hit the fan in some manner or fashion.
I've made a lot of progress in therapy. I've looked a lot at my own dysfunctional behavior, accepted parts of me that I never knew existed, embraced them and tried to understand their purpose - my angry side, my nasty, accusatory side; my withholding side; my punishing side. Armed with all I've learned I felt confident that I could safely walk away from any attempt to label me, pull me into family drama or scapegoat me. What is the saying again, "Pride goes before the fall" -- no truer words have ever been written!
There were the usual recipes for disaster: My younger sister's abusive boyfriend in the backroom, making his unhappiness known. He did not participate in any of the festivities. He never got dressed and moped around in an old robe, grumbling to himself. When anyone attempted to invite him into conversation, he hinted at how unhappy he was. Towards the end of the night, he showered and got dressed and left. Even though he was mostly ignored, my little sister was then very interested in when he'd be back. She warned that if he didn't come back to take her to work she'd call the police, describe his car to the "T" and tell them he was driving around with drugs in it.
I was amazing! I let the bait swing in front of my face like some unappetizing worm. I never said a word; I just listened. Well, he did make it back, barely. But then my sister looked at me and asked pointedly if I would be dropping her off at work! I was very confused. I told her, "Didn't you want him to take you? After all, this is when you can spend quality time together." I smiled and so did she. It wasn't until afterward that I realized she didn't really want him to take her to work; she just wanted to make sure he'd come back so she wouldn't feel abandoned.
There was a dinner celebration for my cousin canceled at the last minute by a very formal text message. I responded by text message about my feelings about that, having canceled prior plans to make room for the dinner, and took my kids out to dinner regardless. I was mentally patting myself on the back.
On my way to the dinner on the rescheduled date, I called to get the exact address and learned that they were already there. Why hadn't anyone called me, I asked. It was told that I was called and they had waited for me. I was home and hadn't received any call but I was told to check my cellphone. I did check my cellphone and saw two missed calls. Why hadn't anyone called me at home, I asked? The answer was given by my older sister with a nasty, snarl, Why would she do that?
Having learned after the fact of many family outings where I was mysteriously not invited or forgotten, yes, I pushed the issue. Did she think it was unreasonable to ask why I hadn't been called at home? She responded, "Oh, God, please don't start." I live 15 minutes away from the restaurant! A call to my home, and I would have been there in no time. There would have been no need to "wait" for me. But the call was placed twice to my cellphone, when after the first time, it was clear that I was not picking up. And of course, no message had been left. I had been told we were meeting at 6:30 and I said as much. Looking at me like I was crazy, she said, "No one told you 6:30. It was always 6:00 o'clock." Turning her face away she shook her head, "See, I told you," she said to the others.
I told her that she seemed to have an attitude, "Was there something wrong?" I asked, "If so, I have no problem with leaving". I told her I was not interested in dealing with her attitude. "Just sit down" she responded, in annoyance. I told her as long as I would not have to put up with her attitude, I was okay. "Gosh. Yeah, yeah, I love you, too." She responded flippantly. Taking a seat away from her I then pretty much ignored her for the rest of the meal. Not bad, I thought to myself. But not good either. In retrospect, I shouldn't have said anything to her. But live and learn, right?
There was the long time friend who has such trouble during holidays with her own internal demons that it becomes so difficult for her to express love and appreciation. Gifts, if they are even purchased, are not given on time or sometimes not at all. I won't pretend to understand it all and certainly won't attempt to explain it. All I understand is that her fear of rejection and abandonment causes her to reject people and abandon them. She seems to justify her behavior by projecting her feelings of fear onto others - ascribing them with ill-intentions that they don't have; desiring them to come to her and reassure her of their love while she remains in a safe cocoon of detachment.
So I received a text message saying Merry Christmas on Christmas Day. Later on in the day, I received a call. There was no mention of gifts during the call so I didn't press the issue. Long ago, I'd lowered my expectations, knowing that usually I'd be met with disappointment. Unfortunately, to minimize feelings of resentment, I couldn't be myself and give as generously and with the love and affection that I'd usually show. Between her and I existed a sad state of affairs.
On New Years Day, I sent a text message to her saying "Happy New Year", and not being able to resist I mentioned that our relationship seemed to be on its way to becoming as distant as some of her other friendships. So the day after, I receive an email with an expected explanation. She felt embarrassed about her prior behavior; she convinced herself I was too much trouble; she'd been afraid; she kept putting it off, but she did have gifts and she'd bring it by this weekend.
On the day she brought over the gifts an atmosphere of tension lingered for the duration of her visit. There were many pregnant silences as what was left unsaid hung in the air. But even so, I believed I handled this as best as I could. I now know I cannot solve the problems of other people, even my closest friends. I cannot "fix" her and make it better. No amount of love, understanding and generosity would ever make her feel good enough. Trying to give it only left me feeling empty and unfulfilled. I could and would no longer do that to myself.
So then we reach where I lost my battle. I brought in the New Year at my younger sister's home and planned to leave my kids there so they could spend some time with their cousins. My son could spend the day with my nephew since there are only two boys in the family; they are very close. It wasn't until the early morning when everyone was leaving to go to my older sister's house that I learned my nephew was going ice skating and to the mall with some of the older cousins. I pointed out that Christian was looking forward to hanging out with him, and if he remained home with my daughter and my niece he'd be stuck spending New Years Day with two girls and that wouldn't be too much fun for him. The protest I received was about money, since they said he needed to have about $30 to go. I reassured them that he had some Christmas money with him. Would $20 be enough, I asked? Sure, it was said, and so he got himself ready to go with them.
I have to add here, my son, having been diagnosed with autism at an early age has in the past been "left out" of family plans. Maybe it's the autism or maybe it's my legacy, as I am also too, because of my vocal identification of family dysfunction, left out of family plans as well.
What I learned later that evening is while the boys slept together in the basement (my neice's boyfriend and my nephew), and no doubt played X-Box until the wee hours of the morning, my son was sent upstairs to my older sister's room. She insisted that it was too cold for him down there. To top it off, he did not end up going with his cousin to the mall. Instead, my older sister agreed that they'd have to "watch him" and as a generous act of concession, ended up taking him with her and her daughter (who'd she also kept from going as well) shopping at Macy's. AS if all of this was not bad enough, she insisted that he "treat" her daughter to lunch with his Christmas money!!!
My son told me all of this in an exasperation, as he was very upset. Well ,so was I! My nephew said it hadn't been his idea that my son not go with them, but my niece's. The finger pointing had begun. It didn't matter whose idea it had been to me, just that this had been allowed to happen. Why hadn't my sister insisted that he go along?
But knowing my older sister and how she likes to manage and control others for her own benefit, I know his welfare and his feelings were the last thing on her mind. I toyed with the idea of sending her an email or perhaps leaving a message. Instinctively I knew speaking to her would be unpleasant. I ended up calling her house, thinking she would be at work, only unfortunately to find out that she wasn't. Over-confident, I asked in a non-confrontational, curious voice, what happened with my son on New Years Day.
Well, she launched into a flowery explanation of how the teenagers (my son is 12 and the "teenagers are 13, 15 and 17) didn't want to bring my son with them because they felt he'd have to be watched and so she'd volunteered to take him with her. She said he was excited to go! She said they had a wonderful time shopping and she also "took" him out to eat and everything went well.
I told her that he had confessed to me that he was upset -- well, no sooner than the words were out of my mouth did she start flustering and stuttering about how I was making a big deal out of nothing, that what I was saying wasn't true, that I had made it up. I kept trying to ask her just to listen to what my son said he felt but she was having none of it.
Wasn't she interested in his feelings, I asked? She asked bitterly, her voice heavy with sarcasm, "Okay, what did he feel"? But I wasn't able to utter a word before she was again accusing me of making things up and then like that, click, the phone hung up.
Well, I'm afraid I saw red. One of my triggers is having the phone hung up on me. I called back and she refused to answer so I left a nasty message of what I thought of her controlling, bullying, manipulative, nasty behavior. Then I called my younger sister to ask her to calm me down before I did something I'd regret.
My younger sister called my older sister and then called me and said she'd spoken to her. While we were on the phone, the other line rang and I saw it was her. My older sister started off again, with another equally flowery explanation of how my younger sister had made her understand that when my son said something he didn't always say what he really meant, and perhaps not having spent time with him, she didn't understand that. Talk about condescending! My son is very high functioning. He is pretty much a typical 12 year old boy. She claimed she asked him three times if he was okay with spending the day with her and each time he'd said yes.
But you see, I know my older sister; I know how she asked him which is, she didn't. She TOLD him where he was going and reassured him that he was okay with it. He had already told me that she never asked him; that she just told him, but I know her well so this came as no surprise.
I asked her why was she able to talk to my younger sister but not to me. She told me that I had accused her and she didn't like to be accused. Of course this wasn't true. Like in the restaurant, no sooner had I opened my mouth to ask a question did she react in anger. I pointed this out and she told me in no uncertain terms did she want to talk to me about us. She said she had no problem with me, that I was the one with the problem and she only wanted to talk about my son. She told me she'd made a mistake in asking him to pay for her daughter's food. She said when she goes out with the kids she always gives them her all so she thought it was his turn to treat my niece.
More lies. My older sister is cheap beyond understanding. She'll buy one happy meal for three children and expect them to share. She doesn't give her all to anyone. She was taking advantage of him and lying about it. I'm afraid I ended the conversation telling her that it was clear that she had a problem with me but I was no longer going to tolerate her abuse and if she hung up the phone on me again or spoke to me like she had earlier one more time, she would get it (okay, in nastier words than that) -- then I hung up the phone.
So yes, I failed. I let myself get baited, hooked and trapped into family drama and edged on to act like the "bad guy". I didn't spend a lot of time feeling bad about it. I know how unproductive that is. What happened is I had a dream!
In the dream, my mother and my sisters, my oldest sister who lives in Maryland that I haven't spoken to in years and my older sister who I described above were all telling me how much they hated me. It was very painful and frustrating. I couldn't talk to them; they wouldn't let me. Every time I tried to speak they'd cut me off. They kept explaining to me why they were perfectly justified in hating me! But here is the eerie thing. They were all smiling and laughing and speaking with soft voices. They were saying the most hateful, horrible things, but all the while they were also "acting" like they didn't have a problem with me at all!
I woke with a very deep and clear understanding. There is no more heinous an act than when someone says that they hold no ill feelings towards another but behaves in a way that clearly shows that they do. Isn't this a common element in all my relationships? My friend says she loves me; past boyfriends have said they love me; my family says they have no problem with me but how have they treated me in the past? BADLY.
So here is the message that has been reinforced since childhood.
LOVE = PAIN; IGNORING; WITHHOLDING, INSULTS; ACCUSATIONS; ABUSE
This message is proffered, justified, exemplified through behavior, over and over and over. The rudest thing may have been said but on the heals of the statement follows the disclaimer: I don't have a problem with you. I love you. YOU'RE the one with the problem.
Is it a wonder that we don't know what love is; that we mistake bad treatment for love?
As broken people deny their faults and project them onto their victims, they also cover the reality of their bad behavior with an innocent mantel of goodness. Right becomes wrong and hate becomes love.
I always thought I knew that you don't listen to what someone says, you watch what they do and that you don't listen to their excuses. But this is a deeper understanding.
What happens to a child who is told: You are loved and appreciated but is ALWAYS treated with scorn and anger. What becomes true to this child?
Is it a wonder that we don't know what love is; that we mistake bad treatment for love?
As broken people deny their faults and project them onto their victims, they also cover the reality of their bad behavior with an innocent mantel of goodness. Right becomes wrong and hate becomes love.
I always thought I knew that you don't listen to what someone says, you watch what they do and that you don't listen to their excuses. But this is a deeper understanding.
What happens to a child who is told: You are loved and appreciated but is ALWAYS treated with scorn and anger. What becomes true to this child?
What becomes true is that scorn IS affection and anger IS love. Real love no longer feels like love. You've never experienced it. Hate feels like love. It's all you know.
This alone is a beautiful gift of understanding, but I opened up my daily affirmation today. It was entitled:
PARENTAL LOVE
I see my parents as tiny children who need love.
I have compassion for my parents' childhoods.
I now know that I chose them because they were perfect for what I had to learn.
I forgive them and set them free
and I set myself free.
Wow, isn't that amazing!!!!
2 comments:
You are amazing!
Thanks so much! :)
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