Michael Newberry's "Ascension Day"I spent the better part of this morning cleaning my daughter's computer. It was riddled with viruses. She had been downloading various "free" programs and they had, of course, all come with their own little nasty friends to inhabit her computer. One spy ware program found 96 little critters, hidden under cloaked names inside other programs. I tried to erase one, and all of a sudden the screen went blank and the computer powered off. It was fighting for its survival.
Once the computer was free of the viruses, it was back to humming along, downloading pages at lightening speed, accessing sites without difficulty. When it was bombarded with viruses, each carrying out their own agenda, it was slow and cumbersome, freezing every five minutes. It didn't work properly.
I've finally realized why all these years I haven't worked properly!
A lot of my writings have been about the sickness of evil. Slowly I was coming to understand how there are some people who have allowed themselves to be consumed by the negativity of the false-self, the ego!
I have experienced being in the presence of such people, feeling my insides recoil as I saw so clearly how they were actually choosing to live a life so removed from that which is healthy, positive, creative and good, that they had become sick and polluted with evil, contaminating everyone they came in contact with.
I never for one minute realized that such a sickness lived also inside of me.
At any minute we have the choice to think positive good thoughts or unhealthy negative thoughts; to worry or be at peace; to laugh or cry; to encourage or rail; to compliment or complain.
Yet so much of my time, my thoughts -- my life has been consumed with thinking of what was wrong with my job, my family, my past -- my life!
I could be having a good time but something would whisper to me: But this is wrong. And what's more, I would believe it! Off I'd go, my negative thoughts taking me on a roller coaster ride down, down into the valley of despair. I'd go over and over in my mind how upset I was that I didn't have this; how angry I was that this person had done this to me; how hurt I was that I had experienced this tragedy. I'd wonder how things could have been done better. I'd beat myself up about how many mistakes I'd made, that I'd loss my temper or lost control. And I'd wallow in self-recrimination and pain.
I felt with all of my being that something was wrong WITH ME!
But something has happened to me! I asked myself a question; life and everything I've read, all that I've learned over the years has lead me to consider one central, magnificent thought:
What if this isn't me?
What, I imagined with absolute wonder, if there is nothing -- absolutely nothing wrong with me!!
At this moment, as I sit here, what if I am okay?
This was not me egotistically bolstering up my false ego or engaging is some form of malignant narcissism. I'm well aware that in the past I've raged and hit, plotted, planned and wallowed in thoughts of revenge. But that was in the p - a - s - t.
This is N O W.
It would be so easy for negative thoughts to intrude, to say, But what about tomorrow? What will you do when you're triggered? Who will you be then? And what about yesterday, what about what you said yesterday? And don't forget what you did last year.
I could absolutely never determine or even guess what I might do tomorrow. But if every waking minute of every day, I concentrated on who I want to be right now, at this very minute -- then that dreaded tomorrow, when I might "lose it" will never come.
It is enough to be me, right now.
It's hard to articulate how freeing that is, to know that I can accept myself as I am, love myself as I am if only I c - h - o - o - s - e to do so.
You might be wondering what has happened, what has changed my outlook so drastically?
I wish I could tell you it was one thing, then that would be simple! But it seems like so many things have been leading up to this point. I watched a movie, Mr. Brooks, starring Kevin Costner who plays a mild-mannered philanthropist with a loving wife, a successful business and a daughter he dotes on. The opening scene shows him about to receive a Man of the Year award. Afterwards as he enters his car a man suddenly appears behind him out of nowhere. He begins speaking to this man and you wonder why he is not as startled by his sudden appearance as you are. But as they dialogue, you realize that this other man IS him -- it is his alter ego. And this soft spoken man is trying desperately to talk himself out of committing murder. He is a sociopath who is trying desperately to stop killing. He's successfully kept from doing so for two years, we learn, but the hunger in him is growing. Another actor brilliantly portrays his alter ego and as I watched this movie, something inside me said: I understand this.
There has been in fact "another person" living inside of me, a voice inside of my head -- telling me that I was fat, lonely, not good enough, mean, ugly. This voice has colored all of my experiences, has made good experiences bad and bad experiences worst. This voice has dominated my entire life. But this voice, it only has had power OVER ME because I believed it WAS ME.
And why would I believe THIS?
I guess the short answer is because it was in my head! Otherwise I'd have to be stark raving mad, wouldn't I?
But this was never, has never been me. Not the spiritually in tact person that God created, whole and lacking for nothing, when I looked into the mirror what I saw was a flawed, weak, out of control human being, prone to make the same mistakes over and over again, shamed and saddened.
Friday I had a session with my therapist. I wanted to tell her how angry I was at her for not responding when I told her I needed support, for not coming to me with suggestions and encouraging me to participate in programs that I would help me out of my isolated life.
In the midst of this, she tried to offer me something, and it made me even angrier! Why, I was still talking! I was still trying to express this hurt, this disappointment -- this ANGER!!!!
But as the session progressed we migrated into another topic. She asked about my behavior towards her, asked me to explain why I had approached her in the way that I did, and admittedly, it was very suspicious and not direct at all. She wondered at my motives. I tried to explain, but I really felt put on the spot, trapped, however briefly. I tried to answer honestly but my thoughts were jumbled and disjointed. I was caught off guard.
I even wrote her a letter to express this. By email, I explained that I felt resistance from her. I don't think I even necessarily knew as I wrote the email, but it became clear as I tried to express myself that what I needed from her during that session, at that very moment in time was to TELL her how hurt I was and have her listen. I wanted her to understand the depth of my loss.
I didn't say in the email but what I felt can be summed up into one word: THWARTED.
But what did I feel thwarted from?
Some how, during the week I realized. During our sessions, what I have been attempting to do most of all is RELEASE MY PAIN. And all of a sudden, knowing this, a wealth of compassion has risen up in me for what an awful job she must have!!!
Because even as she sits with me and allows me to bring this pain forth and express it, sometimes directly at her -- she must in some way, super-humanly remain centered in her own self, unaffected, unmoved by my anguish, grief and pain. She must some how take the trip with me but also not go !!
Now talk about a tough job!
Some how my therapist was to usher me along the paths of pain, sorrow, grief, betrayal, hurt, resentment and be able to protect her own heart from feeling those same feelings, harboring them, carrying them with her into her own life. And surely she must have so many reasons to feel such feelings. It cannot take much to trigger her own despair!
So I have such gratitude for all that she's done for me and continues to do . . . but I guess the good news is: I'VE DECIDED TO BE HAPPY!
Now does that mean I will always be happy?
I can think of 365 things at this very moment that could piss me off, 600 things to be worried about, 100 things to depress me, but I won't -- because I choose not to!
I wish I could fully articulate what a huge metamorphosis has taken place not in my mind, but in my heart. I know that at this moment I can truly feel genuine joy, for being alive, for being healthy, for knowing that I can, right at this moment, choose peace.
I don't have to wait until I get married or lose 25 pounds. I don't need to have the perfect job or learn to play the piano. I am just so thankful that I have a job and a piano!
At every moment I can choose to wish for what I don't have . . . or be thankful for what I do have.
I think the most important knowledge that has been imparted to me is that as I've navigated through the world, I have had such fear or people in general, of their capacity for evil and unkindness. I've always inside felt too vulnerable and sensitive to that.
Yet even as I recognize and accept that this negativity, this evil is real, and that so many have given themselves over to it, have allowed it to fully dominate their thoughts and their life, I also know with 100% certainty that none of this can harm me -- not inside who I truly am -- not unless I allow the evil to infect me by holding onto hurts, going over negative situations, and preoccupying myself with pain and sorrow.
I survived my negative family in tact and that is enough to be joyful for. And my God, I learned so much in the process!
I can choose to think differently. I can tell that voice in my head: No, you are not me! What you are saying is not true!
If anyone has experienced this, they will be able to describe the most miraculous thing happens; the truth then is allowed to float up to the surface. The fog clears, and what is becomes clear. What is real, becomes identifiable.
No, it doesn't stop the voice -- that's for sure. I can't imagine that this voice will go away so very quickly after having been fed for so long. But knowing the torment I've suffered with my own "voice" , I have such compassion and so much sadness for those who I see, who I come in contact with who are lost to this madness.
I don't have a desire to save them though, because I know that I cannot save them. I know that in trying to save them I might lose myself. I know that in trying to fight them, I will become as they are.
I don't have a desire to rehabilitate them because I know that they cannot be rehabilitated. There is nothing spiritually wrong with them. They are sick, as surely as any cancer patient is infected with malignant tumors. But just as no one can stick their hands inside the body of another and pull out a tumor, and even surgical removal of some tumors are followed by the growth of others -- I realize in this matter, I cannot reach inside of the soul of another and pull out the negativity that resides inside of them.
The only thing that I can do in the face of others' evil, their sickness, their negativity is maintain my own serenity. Whether they will be inspired by this, whether they will see a glimpse of their own humanity through my behavior I believe depends on how lost they are to their own sickness. Some are so lost that nothing can come through. They look for negativity to feed off of.
I am committed that they will no longer find it inside of me.
Once the computer was free of the viruses, it was back to humming along, downloading pages at lightening speed, accessing sites without difficulty. When it was bombarded with viruses, each carrying out their own agenda, it was slow and cumbersome, freezing every five minutes. It didn't work properly.
I've finally realized why all these years I haven't worked properly!
A lot of my writings have been about the sickness of evil. Slowly I was coming to understand how there are some people who have allowed themselves to be consumed by the negativity of the false-self, the ego!
I have experienced being in the presence of such people, feeling my insides recoil as I saw so clearly how they were actually choosing to live a life so removed from that which is healthy, positive, creative and good, that they had become sick and polluted with evil, contaminating everyone they came in contact with.
I never for one minute realized that such a sickness lived also inside of me.
At any minute we have the choice to think positive good thoughts or unhealthy negative thoughts; to worry or be at peace; to laugh or cry; to encourage or rail; to compliment or complain.
Yet so much of my time, my thoughts -- my life has been consumed with thinking of what was wrong with my job, my family, my past -- my life!
I could be having a good time but something would whisper to me: But this is wrong. And what's more, I would believe it! Off I'd go, my negative thoughts taking me on a roller coaster ride down, down into the valley of despair. I'd go over and over in my mind how upset I was that I didn't have this; how angry I was that this person had done this to me; how hurt I was that I had experienced this tragedy. I'd wonder how things could have been done better. I'd beat myself up about how many mistakes I'd made, that I'd loss my temper or lost control. And I'd wallow in self-recrimination and pain.
I felt with all of my being that something was wrong WITH ME!
But something has happened to me! I asked myself a question; life and everything I've read, all that I've learned over the years has lead me to consider one central, magnificent thought:
What if this isn't me?
What if this obsessing, lamenting, screaming, ranting, raving, fearful, recoiling person is not who I am but just WHAT I DO?
What, I imagined with absolute wonder, if there is nothing -- absolutely nothing wrong with me!!
At this moment, as I sit here, what if I am okay?
This was not me egotistically bolstering up my false ego or engaging is some form of malignant narcissism. I'm well aware that in the past I've raged and hit, plotted, planned and wallowed in thoughts of revenge. But that was in the p - a - s - t.
This is N O W.
I was some how able to ask myself: Who do you want to be right now?
What are you right now?
And explore the answers with wonderment!
The answer came so clearly.
Right now, at this moment, I am okay.
It would be so easy for negative thoughts to intrude, to say, But what about tomorrow? What will you do when you're triggered? Who will you be then? And what about yesterday, what about what you said yesterday? And don't forget what you did last year.
The answer is simple: Yesterday is yesterday and tomorrow is not NOW.
I could absolutely never determine or even guess what I might do tomorrow. But if every waking minute of every day, I concentrated on who I want to be right now, at this very minute -- then that dreaded tomorrow, when I might "lose it" will never come.
It is enough to be me, right now.
It's hard to articulate how freeing that is, to know that I can accept myself as I am, love myself as I am if only I c - h - o - o - s - e to do so.
You might be wondering what has happened, what has changed my outlook so drastically?
I wish I could tell you it was one thing, then that would be simple! But it seems like so many things have been leading up to this point. I watched a movie, Mr. Brooks, starring Kevin Costner who plays a mild-mannered philanthropist with a loving wife, a successful business and a daughter he dotes on. The opening scene shows him about to receive a Man of the Year award. Afterwards as he enters his car a man suddenly appears behind him out of nowhere. He begins speaking to this man and you wonder why he is not as startled by his sudden appearance as you are. But as they dialogue, you realize that this other man IS him -- it is his alter ego. And this soft spoken man is trying desperately to talk himself out of committing murder. He is a sociopath who is trying desperately to stop killing. He's successfully kept from doing so for two years, we learn, but the hunger in him is growing. Another actor brilliantly portrays his alter ego and as I watched this movie, something inside me said: I understand this.
There has been in fact "another person" living inside of me, a voice inside of my head -- telling me that I was fat, lonely, not good enough, mean, ugly. This voice has colored all of my experiences, has made good experiences bad and bad experiences worst. This voice has dominated my entire life. But this voice, it only has had power OVER ME because I believed it WAS ME.
And why would I believe THIS?
I guess the short answer is because it was in my head! Otherwise I'd have to be stark raving mad, wouldn't I?
But this was never, has never been me. Not the spiritually in tact person that God created, whole and lacking for nothing, when I looked into the mirror what I saw was a flawed, weak, out of control human being, prone to make the same mistakes over and over again, shamed and saddened.
Friday I had a session with my therapist. I wanted to tell her how angry I was at her for not responding when I told her I needed support, for not coming to me with suggestions and encouraging me to participate in programs that I would help me out of my isolated life.
In the midst of this, she tried to offer me something, and it made me even angrier! Why, I was still talking! I was still trying to express this hurt, this disappointment -- this ANGER!!!!
But as the session progressed we migrated into another topic. She asked about my behavior towards her, asked me to explain why I had approached her in the way that I did, and admittedly, it was very suspicious and not direct at all. She wondered at my motives. I tried to explain, but I really felt put on the spot, trapped, however briefly. I tried to answer honestly but my thoughts were jumbled and disjointed. I was caught off guard.
I even wrote her a letter to express this. By email, I explained that I felt resistance from her. I don't think I even necessarily knew as I wrote the email, but it became clear as I tried to express myself that what I needed from her during that session, at that very moment in time was to TELL her how hurt I was and have her listen. I wanted her to understand the depth of my loss.
I didn't say in the email but what I felt can be summed up into one word: THWARTED.
But what did I feel thwarted from?
Some how, during the week I realized. During our sessions, what I have been attempting to do most of all is RELEASE MY PAIN. And all of a sudden, knowing this, a wealth of compassion has risen up in me for what an awful job she must have!!!
Because even as she sits with me and allows me to bring this pain forth and express it, sometimes directly at her -- she must in some way, super-humanly remain centered in her own self, unaffected, unmoved by my anguish, grief and pain. She must some how take the trip with me but also not go !!
Now talk about a tough job!
Some how my therapist was to usher me along the paths of pain, sorrow, grief, betrayal, hurt, resentment and be able to protect her own heart from feeling those same feelings, harboring them, carrying them with her into her own life. And surely she must have so many reasons to feel such feelings. It cannot take much to trigger her own despair!
So I have such gratitude for all that she's done for me and continues to do . . . but I guess the good news is: I'VE DECIDED TO BE HAPPY!
Now does that mean I will always be happy?
I can think of 365 things at this very moment that could piss me off, 600 things to be worried about, 100 things to depress me, but I won't -- because I choose not to!
I wish I could fully articulate what a huge metamorphosis has taken place not in my mind, but in my heart. I know that at this moment I can truly feel genuine joy, for being alive, for being healthy, for knowing that I can, right at this moment, choose peace.
I don't have to wait until I get married or lose 25 pounds. I don't need to have the perfect job or learn to play the piano. I am just so thankful that I have a job and a piano!
At every moment I can choose to wish for what I don't have . . . or be thankful for what I do have.
I think the most important knowledge that has been imparted to me is that as I've navigated through the world, I have had such fear or people in general, of their capacity for evil and unkindness. I've always inside felt too vulnerable and sensitive to that.
Yet even as I recognize and accept that this negativity, this evil is real, and that so many have given themselves over to it, have allowed it to fully dominate their thoughts and their life, I also know with 100% certainty that none of this can harm me -- not inside who I truly am -- not unless I allow the evil to infect me by holding onto hurts, going over negative situations, and preoccupying myself with pain and sorrow.
I survived my negative family in tact and that is enough to be joyful for. And my God, I learned so much in the process!
I can choose to think differently. I can tell that voice in my head: No, you are not me! What you are saying is not true!
If anyone has experienced this, they will be able to describe the most miraculous thing happens; the truth then is allowed to float up to the surface. The fog clears, and what is becomes clear. What is real, becomes identifiable.
No, it doesn't stop the voice -- that's for sure. I can't imagine that this voice will go away so very quickly after having been fed for so long. But knowing the torment I've suffered with my own "voice" , I have such compassion and so much sadness for those who I see, who I come in contact with who are lost to this madness.
I don't have a desire to save them though, because I know that I cannot save them. I know that in trying to save them I might lose myself. I know that in trying to fight them, I will become as they are.
I don't have a desire to rehabilitate them because I know that they cannot be rehabilitated. There is nothing spiritually wrong with them. They are sick, as surely as any cancer patient is infected with malignant tumors. But just as no one can stick their hands inside the body of another and pull out a tumor, and even surgical removal of some tumors are followed by the growth of others -- I realize in this matter, I cannot reach inside of the soul of another and pull out the negativity that resides inside of them.
The only thing that I can do in the face of others' evil, their sickness, their negativity is maintain my own serenity. Whether they will be inspired by this, whether they will see a glimpse of their own humanity through my behavior I believe depends on how lost they are to their own sickness. Some are so lost that nothing can come through. They look for negativity to feed off of.
I am committed that they will no longer find it inside of me.
