I had a conversation today which both left me feeling sad and enlightened. The person in question had been avoiding me. We had hit a wall of intimacy in our relationship, one which she seemed unable (well, in my opinion, unwilling) to breech.
A while ago I confessed to her that one of the utmost requirements I had for all relationships I participated in from now on was very simple: Honesty. Whether good or bad or indifferent, I wanted to have honesty in all of my relationships. But it's becoming very, very clear that this person wouldn't know the truth if it hit her across the face! She seems to be in perpetual denial, lying to herself and believing it; lying to me and expecting me to believe it, too.
It's this lying that is the crux of our problems. A few weeks earlier I had made the huge, colossal, BIG mistake of confessing an urgent need for love and support in my life, admitting that I finally understood that by depriving myself of those human needs I was literally living in emotional starvation mode. I asked her to read a book, Safe People (How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't) by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, so that she could understand where I was coming from, that I was suffering from a broken heart. Imagine a starving person in a supermarket -- it's not a pretty picture. All my life, the relationships I've had have not been pretty or fulfilling. People picked me to fulfill a need in them while my needs waited on the sidelines never to be addressed. I felt the book described my history and all of the feelings surfacing better than I ever could.
The full story of what this person did in response to my confession rests here, in an article entitled "Betrayal". Suffice it to say she went out of her way to show me, through actions, that she was not at all interested in becoming closer as friends, in providing support or in giving love. She became almost in an instance, and I have to say without any need for provocation, distant, preoccupied, closed off, withholding and defensive.
So she tells me in this conversation that she had been reading "a book" and when her son asked her why, she explained to him it was because she had problems with intimacy and trusting people. Can you believe that? She was talking about the book that I asked her to read! ! Not only did she never call to say she was reading it, she didn't even disclose that little bit of information in telling me this story! ! She called it "a book" and her reasoning made it seem like she had walked into the bookstore and picked it up for herself. It may seem trivial but really this is very important and I'm glad I picked up on it.
You see, I asked her to read the book because I wanted her to understand what I was going through better. Originally she told me she'd started reading the book but put it down because it made her "feel bad" -- she said it reminded her of how "unsafe" she was. When I responded that it seemed she'd decided not to read the book because it made her feel bad even though I'd ask her to, she became defensive and denied that she was "not reading the book" -- she said she was going to again but didn't know when. We left it at that but of course what was going on between us went so much deeper. She actually started reading the book again but NEVER told me. Plus she made reading the book all about her and her issues.
Anyway, back to the conversation she had with her son about the book. She said when her son started asking her which people she thought were unsafe and whom she didn't trust, they finally came to me and she confessed that she didn't trust me or feel safe around me. But when asked for reasons why she felt this way she was unable to provide any!!! So her son (14) told her it was unfair for her to distrust me if I'd never done anything to warrant that. She confessed because of this she realized how deep her intimacy issues went. No news to me but the first I ever heard of her acknowledging that! !
In an earlier essay, Confession is Good to the Soul I reasoned that:
It had been almost two weeks since I'd heard from this person. She explained that she had been afraid to call. When I probed further she confessed that she had feelings inside, feelings that she had up until this point been unaware of, feelings that she feared sharing with me.
Now might I mention again, as I did above, that what I had told this person candidly was that I required and valued honesty above all in my relationships. Yet and still, I suppose not trusting me, that did not seem to register in her mind when she became consumed with her overwhelming feelings. Rather than come to me with honesty and love, explaining what she was struggling with inside, she instead withdrew, sulked and hid from me. But she said she'd gone over and over every scenario of how she might approach me but none had seemed promising -- and I want to emphasize here -- IN HER MIND. She had conjured up in her mind scenarios that supported her fear that any way she approached me would bring forth a negative experience and make her feel bad. It was clear to me what kept her from reaching out to me was a fear that SHE would feel bad. In the grand scheme of things, when it came to hurting me through her avoidance and withdrawal or feeling any discomfort herself, she clearly chose to make me suffer.
But if you asked this person if this was true, she would vehemently deny it. She would say she didn't want to hurt me at all or make me suffer and it was for that reason she hadn't called me! !
I asked pointedly how she would know for sure what was going to happen if she didn't try and she made a very telling confession. She confessed that she felt I would not accept her as she was. I might laugh if that wasn't such a ridiculous statement. She confessed that she felt that she had to be other than what she was to make me happy but in a verbal about face she also copped to constantly disappointing and hurting me, expecting unrealistically for me to treat her like I was her mother -- and this is important -- but she still claimed she did not want to do that and that's why she withdrew from me.
You know what it reminded me of? You know that good-for-nothing cheating boyfriend who sits you down and claims undying love but tells you he's no good for you because he just can't keep his wanker in his pants. You know the one. He's the guy that tells you you're the greatest and it's not you -- it's him. It's BS. The problem is the unwillingness to do the hard work that would result in change. Claiming to have golden intentions is easy but as I said in the essay entitled, Betrayal, this person has shown herself over and over to be a talker.
Even though it sounded as if she was saying she was withdrawing out of a desire to protect me how she prefaced her statement is telling. She said she felt she had to be OTHER THAN WHAT SHE WAS.
Well, just what kind of person was she?
The one and only thing I had asked of her was to read the book, Safe People. She claimed she couldn't do that but did -- only she didn't tell me about it. Why do that? I also started attending her church, which I told her was my attempt to open myself up and learn to trust again but that didn't require that she actually do anything! I think what it did, though, was trigger a fear that her true self would be revealed. Too close for comfort!
So I asked in this conversation, (already knowing the answer) what was it that she felt that she had to do for me that was contrary to what she was?
Her answer was that she didn't understand my question.
So I asked, What was it that she felt I was asking her to do that she wouldn't normally do?
She said, I feel you should accept me as I am and not ask me to change. I know I project a lot of my mother onto you and I hurt you, and I know I have serious intimacy issues but I feel like you should just let me be how I am, do what I want and not say anything.
So I responded, trying to reflect back to her what she was REALLY saying: "All I have said to you is I need support, love and honesty, and all that I asked you to do was read a very small book that spoke very deeply to me. But in response you have instead pushed me away, lied to me, hurt me and yet you say you want me to accept this because this is the type of person you are, a person who lies, hurts and pushes people away?"
Of course, she responded No, that wasn't at all what she was saying but if one looked at her actions and did not believe what she said, it really, really was. For years we had been "friends" and she had been distant, callous, unsupportive and withholding yet everything was FINE because that was comfortable for her. The problems arose in our relationship when I started to express needs. Her initial reaction was, Wants!! You shouldn't have wants of ME -- that's demanding and self-centered. And when I would not put my needs aside but insisted they be met, because the face she displayed to the world would not allow her to say no outright, she instead TOLD me she would do certain things but then SHOWED me that she wouldn't. Her stance had always been that she valued the relationship but I believe clearly what she valued was what I brought to the relationship for her. In short, she wanted my unconditional love, support, understanding, kindness, selflessness and I was not to ask for an iota of anything in return. Done deal.
She admitted in the conversation that she felt she tried to make me prove constantly to her that I would accept anything that she did! She kept saying over and over that she never knew how deep her intimacy issues were and was very surprised that she had treated me with in such a mean, callous and manipulative way, just to avoid being close to me. This certainly was NOT news to me, that she had the capacity for such behavior, but it was interesting hear her cop to it.
She said that when she first heard of my intention to go to church with her part of her was happy because this was something she had wanted for a long time, but then another part of her felt, Oh, no, I don't want her to come to church because now she'll receive more wisdom and I will feel that much more inadequate and stupid when I'm with her. She said that then another part of her told her to stop feeling that way because it was stupid and I interjected and asked: But what if it's true?
That would be horrible, she confessed, but I asked again, What if it was true, though -- how would you ever be able to change that unless you first acknowledged and accepted that to be true? But she was reluctant to acknowledge this. "That cannot be true, because that is too horrible to contemplate. That would make me a mean and un-Christian like person. That cannot be me." she lamented.
The reason this person was making these confessions to me I believe is part of her disease. In order to save this relationship, which now seems to be on the brink of ending, she needs to up the ante -- abusive boyfriends do this when they promise to change, perhaps bring flowers and behave for a time. They can become quite insightful about what is going on, what motivates them and what they need to change, but always, always they will claim that they just can't seem to do it. These confessions are designed to elicit sympathy and to continue the dysfunctional relationship.
However, actually in making these confessions this person brought home many of the ideas I've been writing about in the past few months. A sociopath -- a narcissist -- I'm not sure if any of these labels can adequately describe this person but what I know for sure is something I wrote many months ago:
A while ago I confessed to her that one of the utmost requirements I had for all relationships I participated in from now on was very simple: Honesty. Whether good or bad or indifferent, I wanted to have honesty in all of my relationships. But it's becoming very, very clear that this person wouldn't know the truth if it hit her across the face! She seems to be in perpetual denial, lying to herself and believing it; lying to me and expecting me to believe it, too.
It's this lying that is the crux of our problems. A few weeks earlier I had made the huge, colossal, BIG mistake of confessing an urgent need for love and support in my life, admitting that I finally understood that by depriving myself of those human needs I was literally living in emotional starvation mode. I asked her to read a book, Safe People (How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't) by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, so that she could understand where I was coming from, that I was suffering from a broken heart. Imagine a starving person in a supermarket -- it's not a pretty picture. All my life, the relationships I've had have not been pretty or fulfilling. People picked me to fulfill a need in them while my needs waited on the sidelines never to be addressed. I felt the book described my history and all of the feelings surfacing better than I ever could.
The full story of what this person did in response to my confession rests here, in an article entitled "Betrayal". Suffice it to say she went out of her way to show me, through actions, that she was not at all interested in becoming closer as friends, in providing support or in giving love. She became almost in an instance, and I have to say without any need for provocation, distant, preoccupied, closed off, withholding and defensive.
So she tells me in this conversation that she had been reading "a book" and when her son asked her why, she explained to him it was because she had problems with intimacy and trusting people. Can you believe that? She was talking about the book that I asked her to read! ! Not only did she never call to say she was reading it, she didn't even disclose that little bit of information in telling me this story! ! She called it "a book" and her reasoning made it seem like she had walked into the bookstore and picked it up for herself. It may seem trivial but really this is very important and I'm glad I picked up on it.
You see, I asked her to read the book because I wanted her to understand what I was going through better. Originally she told me she'd started reading the book but put it down because it made her "feel bad" -- she said it reminded her of how "unsafe" she was. When I responded that it seemed she'd decided not to read the book because it made her feel bad even though I'd ask her to, she became defensive and denied that she was "not reading the book" -- she said she was going to again but didn't know when. We left it at that but of course what was going on between us went so much deeper. She actually started reading the book again but NEVER told me. Plus she made reading the book all about her and her issues.
Anyway, back to the conversation she had with her son about the book. She said when her son started asking her which people she thought were unsafe and whom she didn't trust, they finally came to me and she confessed that she didn't trust me or feel safe around me. But when asked for reasons why she felt this way she was unable to provide any!!! So her son (14) told her it was unfair for her to distrust me if I'd never done anything to warrant that. She confessed because of this she realized how deep her intimacy issues went. No news to me but the first I ever heard of her acknowledging that! !
In an earlier essay, Confession is Good to the Soul I reasoned that:
"Members of a dysfunctional home, where emotions are actively denied and distorted find it very difficult to own their OWN feelings, discuss and address them" and went on to explain that, "The more denial we are in about our repressed feelings, the more we will disown their expression. What this means is that as we, so desperate for a release of the tension we carry inside of us (the fear, the self-loathing) discharge these disowned feelings through self-defeating, harmful and hostile coping mechanisms, inadvertently hurting others (even though that is not our intention) we are unable to see it or own it. We are unaware of the root of our behavior so we cannot follow through and see the cause."I would definitely include in that description shame. Shame seems to be a great, big obstacle in this person's mind, one she uses to avoid addressing the hurt she inflicts on others. In her shame, she wallows in grief and self-recrimination and adopts a nothing-will-matter-so-why-try attitude. She is unable to see that her self-defeating behavior isolates her from others, creates the negative view others have of her and punishes innocent people who are not deserving of her rejection and abandonment. I don't even want to think about how often her own child must experience this when she feels unable to cope with her emotions.
It had been almost two weeks since I'd heard from this person. She explained that she had been afraid to call. When I probed further she confessed that she had feelings inside, feelings that she had up until this point been unaware of, feelings that she feared sharing with me.
Now might I mention again, as I did above, that what I had told this person candidly was that I required and valued honesty above all in my relationships. Yet and still, I suppose not trusting me, that did not seem to register in her mind when she became consumed with her overwhelming feelings. Rather than come to me with honesty and love, explaining what she was struggling with inside, she instead withdrew, sulked and hid from me. But she said she'd gone over and over every scenario of how she might approach me but none had seemed promising -- and I want to emphasize here -- IN HER MIND. She had conjured up in her mind scenarios that supported her fear that any way she approached me would bring forth a negative experience and make her feel bad. It was clear to me what kept her from reaching out to me was a fear that SHE would feel bad. In the grand scheme of things, when it came to hurting me through her avoidance and withdrawal or feeling any discomfort herself, she clearly chose to make me suffer.
But if you asked this person if this was true, she would vehemently deny it. She would say she didn't want to hurt me at all or make me suffer and it was for that reason she hadn't called me! !
I asked pointedly how she would know for sure what was going to happen if she didn't try and she made a very telling confession. She confessed that she felt I would not accept her as she was. I might laugh if that wasn't such a ridiculous statement. She confessed that she felt that she had to be other than what she was to make me happy but in a verbal about face she also copped to constantly disappointing and hurting me, expecting unrealistically for me to treat her like I was her mother -- and this is important -- but she still claimed she did not want to do that and that's why she withdrew from me.
You know what it reminded me of? You know that good-for-nothing cheating boyfriend who sits you down and claims undying love but tells you he's no good for you because he just can't keep his wanker in his pants. You know the one. He's the guy that tells you you're the greatest and it's not you -- it's him. It's BS. The problem is the unwillingness to do the hard work that would result in change. Claiming to have golden intentions is easy but as I said in the essay entitled, Betrayal, this person has shown herself over and over to be a talker.
Even though it sounded as if she was saying she was withdrawing out of a desire to protect me how she prefaced her statement is telling. She said she felt she had to be OTHER THAN WHAT SHE WAS.
Well, just what kind of person was she?
The one and only thing I had asked of her was to read the book, Safe People. She claimed she couldn't do that but did -- only she didn't tell me about it. Why do that? I also started attending her church, which I told her was my attempt to open myself up and learn to trust again but that didn't require that she actually do anything! I think what it did, though, was trigger a fear that her true self would be revealed. Too close for comfort!
So I asked in this conversation, (already knowing the answer) what was it that she felt that she had to do for me that was contrary to what she was?
Her answer was that she didn't understand my question.
So I asked, What was it that she felt I was asking her to do that she wouldn't normally do?
She said, I feel you should accept me as I am and not ask me to change. I know I project a lot of my mother onto you and I hurt you, and I know I have serious intimacy issues but I feel like you should just let me be how I am, do what I want and not say anything.
So I responded, trying to reflect back to her what she was REALLY saying: "All I have said to you is I need support, love and honesty, and all that I asked you to do was read a very small book that spoke very deeply to me. But in response you have instead pushed me away, lied to me, hurt me and yet you say you want me to accept this because this is the type of person you are, a person who lies, hurts and pushes people away?"
Of course, she responded No, that wasn't at all what she was saying but if one looked at her actions and did not believe what she said, it really, really was. For years we had been "friends" and she had been distant, callous, unsupportive and withholding yet everything was FINE because that was comfortable for her. The problems arose in our relationship when I started to express needs. Her initial reaction was, Wants!! You shouldn't have wants of ME -- that's demanding and self-centered. And when I would not put my needs aside but insisted they be met, because the face she displayed to the world would not allow her to say no outright, she instead TOLD me she would do certain things but then SHOWED me that she wouldn't. Her stance had always been that she valued the relationship but I believe clearly what she valued was what I brought to the relationship for her. In short, she wanted my unconditional love, support, understanding, kindness, selflessness and I was not to ask for an iota of anything in return. Done deal.
She admitted in the conversation that she felt she tried to make me prove constantly to her that I would accept anything that she did! She kept saying over and over that she never knew how deep her intimacy issues were and was very surprised that she had treated me with in such a mean, callous and manipulative way, just to avoid being close to me. This certainly was NOT news to me, that she had the capacity for such behavior, but it was interesting hear her cop to it.
She said that when she first heard of my intention to go to church with her part of her was happy because this was something she had wanted for a long time, but then another part of her felt, Oh, no, I don't want her to come to church because now she'll receive more wisdom and I will feel that much more inadequate and stupid when I'm with her. She said that then another part of her told her to stop feeling that way because it was stupid and I interjected and asked: But what if it's true?
That would be horrible, she confessed, but I asked again, What if it was true, though -- how would you ever be able to change that unless you first acknowledged and accepted that to be true? But she was reluctant to acknowledge this. "That cannot be true, because that is too horrible to contemplate. That would make me a mean and un-Christian like person. That cannot be me." she lamented.
The reason this person was making these confessions to me I believe is part of her disease. In order to save this relationship, which now seems to be on the brink of ending, she needs to up the ante -- abusive boyfriends do this when they promise to change, perhaps bring flowers and behave for a time. They can become quite insightful about what is going on, what motivates them and what they need to change, but always, always they will claim that they just can't seem to do it. These confessions are designed to elicit sympathy and to continue the dysfunctional relationship.
However, actually in making these confessions this person brought home many of the ideas I've been writing about in the past few months. A sociopath -- a narcissist -- I'm not sure if any of these labels can adequately describe this person but what I know for sure is something I wrote many months ago:
"I place in the category of abusive and yes, at it's most extreme, evil, those who no matter how intellectual and seemingly discerning are nevertheless willing to make some sacrifices when it comes to PREVENTING the unveiling of a flaw which they cannot face -- the sacrifice of others.
If a person is willing to besmirch the reputation of, attack, demean, abuse, ignore, withhold affection/attention from another, if a person in any way, shape or form causes harm to a person purposely and knowingly, in an effort to avoiding looking at a part of their persona which they have been actively denying then yes, I classify that person as abusive.If then this abuse is brought to the attention of this same person and they undertake all the tools at their intellectual disposal to engage in the tactics which I've outlined above, all in the name of continuing to deny and engage in the dysfunctional behavior, to hold onto the mask of a person in pursuit of recovery, without taking the actual steps (that they know very well) would lead them to true recovery then I would go so far as calling such a person evil.At the very least, this person's soul is sick. If we could speak honestly to this person, inquire as to their motivation, the most pertinent question would indeed be, "Do you mean rather than look at yourself, your behavior, your attitude you are willing and ready to hurt me - continuously?"For some, sadly, the answer to this awful question is a resounding YES, although with the utmost sincerity they will answer, `No', and argue to the contrary .
Yes, they are. Yes, they will. Yes, they do" ~ Easy for You to See
In this conversation this person revealed and at the same time confirmed some very real truths. The problem in our relationship was not her inability to "do" the things that I had asked of her or "meet" my needs, it was her inability to own the fact that she did not want to. I was there to serve her, not the other way around. In order to feel good about herself she needed to believe that she was a certain type of person. My service of her, catering to her needs, listening to her when she needed an ear, letting her cry on my shoulder, giving her attention, kindness, material goods confirmed her "goodness" -- her worth. But when her actions did not mesh with the type of person she wanted to believe she was, and I started to point this out, she denied and distorted them.
I once asked her generally, what did a person in denial do with the incidences that occur which show the truth -- for instance, if someone was mean and abusive and the victim cried and was hurt, how did that person continue to deny what they had done?
She explained, being very disturbingly candid, that if the person she was friends with did not reflect back to her that she was a "good" person, she could just get a new friend and stay away from that person. Maybe it was me, but at that point her voice became very cold and calculating and I saw her, very, very differently. I think this person wants me to "break up" so that way, I'd be the bad guy.
Since I won't be the bad guy, but I continue instead to point out her hurtful behavior, I instead become someone who will not accept her for who she is. Don't you see what happens? I still became BAD!
Who is she really? She is a person who can hurt, reject and abandon someone they SAY they love -- and because she cannot accept that AND will not do anything to change the behavior, she continues to be that person even though SHE COULD CHANGE!!!
Towards the end of the conversation she asked me did I believe that something could be true even if the person did not act in a way that supported the truth -- she clarified by asking could she indeed love her son if she at times treated him unlovingly. I answered that I felt this question could only be answered by looking at how the person behaves over time.
I once asked her generally, what did a person in denial do with the incidences that occur which show the truth -- for instance, if someone was mean and abusive and the victim cried and was hurt, how did that person continue to deny what they had done?
She explained, being very disturbingly candid, that if the person she was friends with did not reflect back to her that she was a "good" person, she could just get a new friend and stay away from that person. Maybe it was me, but at that point her voice became very cold and calculating and I saw her, very, very differently. I think this person wants me to "break up" so that way, I'd be the bad guy.
Since I won't be the bad guy, but I continue instead to point out her hurtful behavior, I instead become someone who will not accept her for who she is. Don't you see what happens? I still became BAD!
Who is she really? She is a person who can hurt, reject and abandon someone they SAY they love -- and because she cannot accept that AND will not do anything to change the behavior, she continues to be that person even though SHE COULD CHANGE!!!
Towards the end of the conversation she asked me did I believe that something could be true even if the person did not act in a way that supported the truth -- she clarified by asking could she indeed love her son if she at times treated him unlovingly. I answered that I felt this question could only be answered by looking at how the person behaves over time.
Everyone has the capacity to be unloving at times, I said, but if someone is consistently unloving then no matter that they say they love -- the truth is their "love" is no love at all.
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