Don't You Say Nothing To Me

The Dangerous Illusion of Perfection

This weekend I was at a barbecue. The weather was pleasant, succulent food roasted on the grill and the aroma of family and fun filled the air. Music played pleasantly in the background. People chatted about their fortune and misfortune and some of the children started to dance. It was exciting, watching one girl in particular who had an obvious passion for dance. She swayed her arms back and forth in the air with exaggeration and moved her hips with gusto. Her older cousin, not to be out done, started dancing as well after some encouragement. She was less enthusiastic but had a natural rhythm and poise that suggested with some encouragement she could be a phenomenal dancer. Her younger cousin, however, wasn't that fortunate. Sure, she obviously loved to dance but she didn't have that "it" factor.

As on-lookers applauded and cheered at her older cousin's natural style and grace she moved frantically and furiously, trying desperately to do something to out do her. After a bit I asked my daughter, who attends dance class, to show the girls one of the steps she'd learned in class. The older cousin was estatic. "Yes. Yes" she encouraged with enthusiasm. "Please show us something". The younger cousin, however, looked on with apprehension.

My daughter showed them a simple one, two step and the older cousin gave it a valient attempt. After just one try, she had the movements but she just needed to add the rhythm. The younger cousin, however, just stood there. There was a look of anger coming into her face, one that could be detected just underneath her obvious confusion. My daughter said particularly to her, noticing that she hadn't even attempted to try the step "Look, it's really simple. I'll show you again. One, two, snap." The young girl looked on furiously without moving a muscle and then abruptly and suddenly, burst into tears.

Her older cousin immediately stopped dancing and took her into her arms. "What's wrong?" she implored but the younger cousin just sobbed louder without answering. Minutes later her aunt whisked her away. My daughter and the older cousin looked at each other in confusion. When I asked the older cousin if she wanted to continue dancing she shrugged her shoulders and replied sadly, "She doesn't want to." She sat down dejectedly and stared at the floor.

I leaned over and asked my daughter if she was aware of what had just happened. My daughter was just as clueless. "Can't you see," I started to explain "She doesn't wan't you to teach her." I began, referring to the younger cousin who had been carried away in a torrent of tears. I myself was fascinated by the disturbing and yet enlighting observation I had just made.

The older cousin, who didn't seem to be as enthusiastic about dancing or as passionate, had a natural gift for it - one that predicted with some work she COULD become a phenomenal dancer. But what set her apart from her cousin was her willingness to learn. She wasn't passionate about dancing, so to speak but what she had was even more valuable, she had a passion to learn more.

The younger cousin on the other hand, was not that great of a dancer. She clearly WANTED to be one though and probably already fancied herself as one. But when given the opportunity to learn, to grow, to become better she became angry and sullen and resistant. She had a rebellious spirit. This spirit of rebellion guaranteed that she would NEVER be a great dancer no matter what.

When I explained all of this to my daughter she made a correlation to some of the dancers at her school. Two in particular she said were good dancers but were so abrasive if anyone corrected them about their dancing that this kept them from getting better. She admitted that no one even bothered to say anything to them anymore.

In this case I thought it was particularly disturbing because of how young this girl was. I thought to myself this spirit of rebellion could permeate every nuance of her life if it wasn't corrected but it seemed to me the direct opposite was happening, this spirit was being encouraged and indulged. Her aunt kissed and hugged her, told her what a phenomenal dancer she was and in response the young girl cried all the more.

So many of us have a desire for sucess and achievement. Many of us are smart and talented but what many of use are lacking is a true desire for excellence. When someone comes along who points out that we need work in a certain area or that we are lacking on some matter we react in anger. We are open to praise and applause -- in fact, we crave it. And yes, maybe we deserve praise. Maybe we didn't get enough when we were growing up and we suffer from perpetual low-self esteem but that still does not mean we are perfect.

Coupled with our low self-esteem we've got an awful case of egocitis.

We are not open to correction. We long for someone who will instead feed our ego non-stop. In some small way it is our own version of narcissism. We can't stand being told we've been wrong or done wrong. We don't want to be corrected not because we believe we're "perfect" but because we are aware that we are far from perfect and the enormity of that fact, the way we've blown it up in our minds becomes overwhelming. The feelings of inadequateness - overblown as it is in our minds -- have blinded us to any thought that we can become better than what we are.

The younger cousin could let herself believe she was a great dancer when she was "strutting her stuff" -- everyone hooped and hollered and I'm sure it felt wonderful. In short, she felt "accomplished" when she wasn't challenged but when faced with a teacher, someone who knew something she didn't, she felt inadequate and incapable and that's what she couldn't stand. And this feeling was so strong she allowed it to keep her from trying which kept her from learning and getting better. On the surface, with her anger and her tears, it may have seemed that she thought she had it all together but I could see underneath the surface. Underneath the surface, she could not stand to be challenged.

No matter how smart we are, how accomplished, how "excellent" there is always room for growth and correction. In fact, it is when we are our most haughty and arrogant that we are just steps away from failure. It is the old adage:

PRIDE COMES BEFORE THE FALL.

Reciprocity: Are You a Door Mat or a Meanie?

24Also a dispute arose among them as to which of them was considered to be greatest.²⁵Jesus said to them . . . 26"But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest and the one who rules like the one who serves" Luke 22:24-26

Christianity teaches us to serve, to put others before ourselves, to turn the other cheek and to suffer gladly. Psychology teaches us to take good care of ourselves; to put the life jacket on FIRST so that we may be able to help another person who is in need. Both Christianity and psychology teaches us to own our feelings, be honest and to live with integrity. So how can we bridge the two ideologies?

Some of us embrace the former and become co-dependent door mats. We allow people to take advantage of us and to use and abuse us. Then after doing so we become spiritually drained, faithless and broken so we are unable to effectively serve spiritually in the true sense of the word. Because we don't know any better, we justify this behavior by embracing a belief system that says we are practicing true Christianity. We look forward to a heaven where we will be well rewarded for our self-sacrifice.

Some of us, understanding the importance of psychological well being are self-serving to the exclusion of others. We put our own well-being above others ALL THE TIME and we do so in such a way that we become insensitive, intolerant, closed off and even impatient with the needs of others. To the extent that we are faced with a need or a desire that runs contrary to what we may believe is best for our own well being we are unable to discern how to take good care of ourselves AND of others.

Still others toggle back and forth. Having had poor role models, we do either or -- we are door mats to some and meanies to others. The worst case scenario is when we are totally oblivious to the fact that we switch self-states depending on who we're dealing with. More often than not, if we've been raised in homes with abusive, domineering parents we are door mats to abusers and meanies (or abusers) to those whom we believe we can assert ourselves with. We live in a world where those are the only two choices, to prey or be predator. The problem lies in the polarized behavior.

The concept of spiritual service and psychological wellness is not mutually exclusive.

Psychologically we can care for ourselves without being a "meanie" - that is selfishly devoted to the purpose; spiritually we can care for others without committing self-sabotage -- that is, blindly devoted to the welfare of others to the detriment of our own mental health and physical safety. We can do both.

Adult survivors of dysfunctionally abusive homes of origin need to learn to expand their concept of relationships so that we can fully UNDERSTAND and EXERIENCE true reciprocity. Put in laymens terms, we need to learn that there is a way of relating that is different than what we witnessed growing up. We need to accept that everyone does not behave the way our parents did towards each other and towards their children. It is not enough that we read about this and study it, we need to open up ourselves, bravely setting aside our fears of being hurt so that we can EXPERIENCE it. This is no easy task.

The fear that we have that others will prey on us is REAL. What can be more horrifying than a mother or father who victimizes their own child? Imagine an animal feeding on their own young! To live in a household where you become spiritual food for broken, hungry hurting parents is to live in hell.

As we become adults, survivors run into people who are not looking to feed on us emotionally but being human might not make the kindest, most appropriate decisions and at times, we adult survivors of childhood abuse regard them as predators. This is a mistake. Not everyone is a predator and in order to live in this world we have to relinquish this hypervigilence. The coping mechanism we used to survive as children need not be a life long device.

True reciprocity is a balancing act. In each instance, at every opportunity life provides us with a chance to decide which course of action is best. Being human, all of us make mistakes from time to time, we sin (which literally means we miss the mark).

So what?

We can learn from our mistakes, confess our sins, apologize, grow and become better for it. In order to have truly rewarding, intimate relationships we should embrace others with their flaws, trusting that we do know how and can take good care of ourselves at the same time.

I cannot imagine that any of us will have mastered reciprocity before we die but it is a worthy effort. Acknowledging an error, learning from mistakes and restoring a relationship that has suffered due to an error is what seperates a human being from a broken soul.

Teach me knowledge and good judgment, for I believe in your commands.
Psalm 119:66

Confession is Good for the Soul

¹"While Ezra was praying and confessing, weeping and throwing himself down before the house of God, a large crowd of Israelites—men, women and children—gathered around him. They too wept bitterly. ² Then Shecaniah son of Jehiel, one of the descendants of Elam, said to Ezra, "We have been unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women from the peoples around us. But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel. ³ Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands of our God. Let it be done according to the Law. ⁴ Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it." Ezra 10:1-4

There is a coping mechanism children who were raised in dysfunctional homes adopt as adults when confronted with their self-defeating behaviors or perhaps one of the "lies" within the dysfunctional family unit -- think perhaps of the emotional hurt and pain that one or many members are suffering or the physical/emotional abuse that one or some are enduring -- it is what I call the "I can't be bothered" excuse. There are many variation. There's, as I've mentioned the:

• "You know what, I can't be bothered right now" excuse;
  
• the "Please, I don't want to get involved" excuse;
  
• the "that's is too much (trouble) for me to take on right now" excuse;
  
• the "I've got too much going on right now in my own life" excuse;
  
• the "Look, I don't know WHAT'S going on" excuse;
  
• the "Listen, that hasn't been my experience" excuse
  
• or the famous "Come on, that's how YOU feel" excuse.

I don't have time; I don't care; it's not my problem;I don't feel that way; I don't know -- basically, what is happening is we have blinded ourselves to the truth.

If I were to explain it intellectually I would define it in this way:

Members of a dysfunctional home, where emotions are actively denied and distorted find it very difficult to own their OWN feelings, discuss and address them. Perhaps in childhood an attempt to express an emotion was treated as a weakness; maybe those attempts were frustrated and left unmet; maybe those attempts were punished, leaving the child who was already hurting in the first place in a state of increasingly, unbearable pain. A child who grew up in a home such as this would learn very clearly to disown his/her feelings and to repress or deny them. This is why psychotherapy is so very useful when uncovering the trauma one has endured during an abusive childhood. Otherwise, we enter adulthood unaware of the pain we are running from and lashing out at.

The fact is disowned, unresolved, suppressed feelings must be identified and given a voice. Ultimately the goal is to heal because contrary to the dysfunctional family's warped belief system when these feelings are not expressed they don't just go away.

Repressed feelings and emotions make us physically ill. Repressed feelings and emotions work their way through our psyches and find an outlet.

The more denial we are in about our repressed feelings the more we will disown their expression. What this means is that as

we, so desperate for a release of the tension we carry inside of us (the fear, the self-loathing) discharge these disowned feelings through self-defeating, harmful and hostile coping mechanisms, inadvertently hurting others (even though that is not our intention) we are unable to see it or own it. We are unaware of the root of our behavior so we cannot follow through and see the cause.

So it is for this reason that it is extremely important to become acquainted with the trauma we have endured during our childhoods and those we have manifested in our adult life, to become reacquainted with our TRUE feelings; to admit to having those feelings, process those feelings, express those feelings and then finally, with God's assistance and grace, make peace with those feelings.

In M. Scott Peck's, People of the Lie, Dr. Peck defines evil as an inability to own behavior, a willingness and a desire to hurt others, causing them to feel pain instead of us, a desire to disown responsibility for engaging in this behavior and an inability to feel any remorse for doing so -- consistently engaging in this behavior in relationship to others is what Dr. Peck defined as evil.

In an effort to understand this let's look closely at the biblical principal of sin and the forgiveness of sin.

⁴Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness. ⁵But you know that He appeared so that He might take away our sins. And in Him is no sin. ⁶No one who lives in Him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

⁷Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous. ⁸He who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil's work. ⁹No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God. ¹⁰This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother. 1John 3: 4-10

So it is very clear, when someone makes a practice of lying, lives consistantly in denial, hurts and attacks their loved ones for speaking the truth; if a person lives a life of pretense, where one lie is layered upon another until the truth is distorted and unrecognizable THAT PERSON IS PRACTICING SIN and LIVING AN EVIL LIFE. This is a difficult truth to accept, as we would rather not think of the many people we encounter who are like this as "evil".

¹"While Ezra was praying and confessing, weeping and throwing himself down before the house of God, a large crowd of Israelites—men, women and children—gathered around him. They too wept bitterly. ² Then Shecaniah son of Jehiel, one of the descendants of Elam, said to Ezra, "We have been unfaithful to our God by marrying foreign women from the peoples around us. But in spite of this, there is still hope for Israel. ³ Now let us make a covenant before our God to send away all these women and their children, in accordance with the counsel of my lord and of those who fear the commands of our God. Let it be done according to the Law. ⁴ Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take courage and do it." Ezra 10:1-4

In this story, as Ezra prayed the Israelites witnessed his pain and also felt remorse. They did not try to silence him or convince him that he was mistaken in his contrition, on the contrary they joined him in his lamentations. They too wept bitterly. In being able to own their feelings, they were then able to think of a solution -- they could take the next step. They found there was still hope. In the end they offered Ezra their support and rallied behind him, telling him to have courage to do what needs to be done.
As Christians, we are admonished to confess our sins willingly and ask for forgiveness; once we do so our sins are forgiven. Forgiveness of our sins requires confession -- it requires acknowledging that we've done something wrong.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

Consistent ownership of our feelings and behaviors therefore is a biblical principal -- it is an admonition from God -- it is what makes us his children. Being unable to do so, if we make that behavior a life practice, can and will make us evil. Being unable to own our feelings we are unable to then take the steps that we can to heal ourselves. We become broken, hurting souls who lash out and continually hurts others.

“Ego is the deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances. . . . It is the part of you that has no interest whatsoever in freedom, feels victimized by life, avoids anything that contradicts its self-image, is thoroughly invested in its personal fears and desires, and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti-evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature—attached to the past, terrified of change, and seeking only to preserve the status quo. Ego is the one and only one obstacle to enlightenment.” ~Andrew Cohen, Spiritual Teacher

It is because the process of self-reflection and ownership of our feelings is extremely painful that we resist. What is so amazing is that the same reason we resist now in the present is the same reason that the overwhelming feelings were denied in the first place. Re-experiencing those feelings prove to be unbearable for many adult survivors of childhood abuse and trauma. Yet, the irony continues in this way because

the same self-defeating behaviors we adopted to help us survive in our homes of origin are the same behaviors which create the situations and relationships that bring out a re-enactment of our childhood trauma and causes us to once again face the unthinkable -- the denied overwhelming feelings. It is the old cliche, we can run but we can't hide.

So therefore many of us live a life of circular experiences. We spend our lives running from unbearable situations, denying and repressing unpleasant emotions, lashing out, refusing to face our shortcomings and unpleasant truths in an effort to be "happy" -- never knowing that the key to our happiness lies in standing our ground and experiencing what we have created for ourselves in the first place. We live in fear and we act out of that fear.

Many of us are consummate victims. We feel that life is happening TO US! We cannot for the life of us see how we choose to interact with certain people, that it is not just chance! We cannot own our choices and the reoccurring themes which present themselves in our lives. We cannot face the truth.

Some of us adopt a "the world is awful" attitude -- blaming others for the pain that we inflict upon our own selves. When the concept that we are manifesting our own pain is introduced -- when it is explained that the experience of pain is ultimately for our own growth and healing -- we are ENRAGED! We reject this concept ultimately for the same reason that we run from situations that could initiate our healing --

We are deathly A F R A I D. We feel ill-equipped, unprepared, cornered, attacked, singled-out, put upon, over-burdened, manipulated. We are insecure and uncertain. We don't feel good enough. We don't feel capable.

We may tell ourselves that this is not true and that we are actively seeking out situations and relationships that will reaffirm our self worth but a foundational truth is that no one in the world can ever affirm what you do not believe to be true of your own self. The need for affirmation comes from the disbelief which resides deep in our core. Thus, we continue to attract situations and people who reaffirm and reflect what we truly feel about ourselves inside.

As we tell people over and over again how accomplished we are, how pretty, how nice, how good, how giving, we give testimony to the part of ourselves who really does not believe it. Who are we really speaking to if not our own ego? We show ourselves to be on a mission of conviction -- one where we seek to convince ourselves that we are what we want others to believe to be true about us.

The most beautiful gift we can ever give ourselves is KNOWLEDGE OF SELF. Once we put down the ego, retire our shields, give up our unnecessary defenses we leave the door open to embrace the person we are right now, perhaps insecure, perhaps frightened, perhaps hostile and anti-social but amazingly and wonderfully HONEST.

As the bible states so clearly and beautifully:

¹²For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face; now I know in part but then I will know fully JUST AS I HAVE BEEN FULLY KNOWN.

So here is to knowing fully and also being fully known!!!!!!

“Whoever loves becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism.” ~Sigmund Freud