When the Truth Makes Us Angry

So in my journey of self-growth and exploration I have come up against another wall which merits exploration. This wall I speak of is the barrier that those put up who are unable to hear the truth. Of course, I can list a number of psychological explanations for a resistance to hearing what confirms our worst fears about ourselves, our deepest secrets.

If one is in a relationship that they long to be close and loving, and yet the reality is that the relationship is one fraught with lies, abuse and misunderstanding, psychologically we can understand the disassociation that occurs when the one who is holding onto the romance of a perfect relationship experiences abuse. We can look to the cycle of abuse and define the pattern that exists in almost all abusive relationships those in denial cling to, whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, a business relationship or one with a family member.

Take a look at the diagram of abuse illustrated above. I'm not going to explore all of the stages here, what I want to speak about is the spirit in operation behind the cycle. If you notice, in the center of the diagram is DENIAL.

Denial is the all consuming and primary force which keeps any dysfunctional, abuse relationship alive and it operates in many ways, but first I'd like to concentrate on the primary hosts of the denial.

There is the most often discussed and obvious denial of the victim. As the cycle of abuse plays itself out throughout the relationship, the victim, whose self-esteem most likely was already compromised to begin with - (otherwise s/he would have felt enough self-love and self-worth to know that s/he does not deserve the abuse and would not put up with it. In short, s/he would have left the relationship) - the victim's self esteem is assassinated regularly and systematically by the abuser in very tactical ways.
I will not take the time to go into them in detail now but for the most part the abuser participates in mind control tactics that are designed to convince his victim that s/he is the sole reason and cause of their own abuse. If the abuser succeeds in convincing the victim that s/he is being abused because there is something terribly defective about him/her that either precipitates the abuse or deserves the abuse, the victim will then use the relationship as a barometer of his/her self-worth.

Think about this. What this means is that the victim will now look to the abusive relationship and the abuser to determine whether s/he is "okay". In order to appreciate how destructive such thinking is, think not of a boyfriend and girlfriend but of let's say a mother and daughter. The mother abuses her daughter from infancy, telling her in words and in action that she is defective, not good enough and deserving of bad treatment. The child though BELIEVES her mother is telling the truth. She then looks to her mother (who is NOT telling the truth) to tell her when she is okay. Because it is her mother who is NOT okay, who is projecting that feeling of being inadequate onto her daughter, this message never manifests. However, like a gambling addict in a casino the daughter is invested in clinging to her mother UNTIL she receives this stamp of approval. If she finds enough sense of clarity and awareness to disengage from her mother (and more often than not, even when she doesn't) she transfers this all consuming need to a substitute, another abuser who she will then need to tell her that she is okay. Because no one can ever "give" us self-esteem, the victim is like a bucket with a hole in it. They can never hold onto their good feelings. They need it always to be reflected back. If their behavior is contrary to that of a good person, and what is reflected back is that they have not been "good" -- what do you think happens?

Before I address this question, using this scenario, I would like to describe the other primary host of denial in the relationship; that is,, the denial of the abuser. Take a minute to absorb the victim's inability to "hold" onto a good sense of self and the ensuing need to be given approval and you will see how the victim is very much like the abuser in this way. The abuser is invested in believing that s/he is a good person and that the victim in some way is orchestrating their own abuse or instigating it; that is eliciting it from the perpetrator.

I don't want anyone reading this to minimize the importance of this denial. The abuser's ENTIRE sense of self, the way s/he views their position in the world is based on this altered, skewed view point that often allows the abuser to view himself/herself as the victim!!!!

Without BOTH of these primary hosts of denial operating in tandem WITH each other, an abusive, dysfunctional relationship CANNOT exist. In fact, in most abusive relationships both the victim and abuser often trade places, although most often one will "stay" in their primary role -- the role that they feel most comfortable with. However, it should be clear that both the abuser and the victim work together towards a common goal.

The abuser needs the victim to believe that s/he is bad and deserving of bad treatment. The victim cooperates with this need and acquiesces. The abuser then can continue to believe that s/he is good and the victim is bad. The abuser NEEDS to continue to believe this to avoid any opportunity for true self-reflection and growth. The abuser does not want to face who s/he is in truth. The abuser WANTS to stay in denial -- to believe a lie.

The victim has been brainwashed into believing that their sense of self, worth and value lies in the hands of the abuser. Like a carrot dangling on a stick, the victim desperately grasps at an approval that never comes. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, the victim does not understand that s/he has the esteem inside of herself, and must cultivate it on her own. S/he may not WANT to stay in denial, but s/he believes the denial -- the lie. Perhaps it can be argued that the "abuser" also believes the "lie" that s/he is all that is good and kind but because of the predatory nature of those who abuse consistently and the wealth of evidence which they deny regularly, it is hard to accept that the abuser can believe this lie so readily and easily without the help of his/her victim. The abuser is able to believe this lie by forcing the victim to reflect back a good reflection of the abuser through manipulation and abuse.

The victim, in reality, has suffered a massive fraud of their senses. The world has been turned upside down. What was black is now white and what was right is now wrong. As long as the victim waits for the abuser to "do right" by them (tell the truth, begin to respect them, treat them as equals, value them, love them) the victim is trapped in this no win situation -- a world of illusions.

I'm not sure I am being clear. The abuser's inability to take responsibility for his/her behavior rests largely on the person's resistance to "feeling bad" and "being wrong" because they desperately need to uphold a belief that they are a good person. So here is the answer to the previous question. And the answer is true both for the abuser AND the victim:

QUESTION: If their (the abuser and the victim -- as they switch roles back and froth) behavior is contrary to that of a good person and what is reflected back is that they have not been "good" -- what do you think happens?

ANSWER: Any behavior, anything that they say or do that contradicts the belief that they are good and right will be distorted, denied and altered. No matter what role the two people are in at the time, in order for the relationship to exist, the one who is the victim MUST continue to be bad FOR the one who is the abuserto continue to be "good" not matter what they say or do. As the roles switch back and forth through out the dysfunctional relationship, one thing remains true: The "lie" MUST continue.

I use "abuser" and "victim" for lack of better labels but I must say this: What I am describing can exist in relationships at the most benign levels and I make this clarification because it segues into my next point.

Spiritually, there is a spirit of "evil" which is in operation in ALL dysfunctional relationships, relationships that have fallen into the pattern of abuse, relationships that are beginning to develop the patterns of abuse or relationships between people who have the capacity for abuse at times.

I know that this is a very strong statement to make and most human beings shy away from the word "evil". However, I am fully convinced that whenever the elements of power/control, the cycles of abuse and the dance of intimacy (or a lack their of) infiltrate a relationship, it is because evil has taken a foothold and is attempting to destroy the love that exists in all of us, the love that blossoms and thrives when we trust and become intimate with one another.

The bible is very clear on this.

"He [the devil] was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies" ~John 8:44.

In accepting this to be true, I believe we must also accept that whenever a relationship is based on a lie, becomes fraught with lies or functions on a regular basis through the upholding and support of lies then Satan is in the midst of that relationship.


I have to clarify my perception of "Satan" before I continue. THough I call myself a Christian, I really don't believe in organized religion, as I feel it seperates, rather than promotes unification amongst human beings. Satan, in my mind, is the manifestation of all that is negative, spiritually draining, life-destroying and unproductive. So when I speak of Satan, I speak of that energy, that force, that exists really in all the great world religions. But for ease of reference, I'll use Satan here in this essay.

The entire intention of Satan is to separate us from the love of God and to present us to God as unworthy recipients of his love and grace. Love, as we understand it, develops, grows and is shared in the relationships that we have with ourselves, first, with God, second and then with each other. In order to separate us from the love of God, Satan utilizes three avenues:

He attempts to dissuade us from God's truth and deceive us into believing his lies; he does this through self-deception, false prophets/teachers and deceiving spirits. Satan is at WAR with us, and his intention is clear:

He intends to:

1. Destroy our personal relationship with God, separating us from the love of God through sin.
2. Destroy marriages, families and friendships. Satan tells us that we are always right and everyone else, especially those close to us, are responsible for our personal struggles. He inspires us to be real easy on ourselves and very hard on those close to us, making us forget how selfish and stubborn we can be.
   
3. Destroy Relationships and fellowship. Satan knows that the strength of God manifests in numbers and that through fellowship with one another we build the corner stone of our faith. A person who is struggling to live a perfect life in their own strength, who has inferior and crippled personal relationships with his or her friends, family or spouse, and who has unreconciled disputes with other believers will not be able to discern the deep spiritual truths or hear the voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to him or her. The victims of such a person can become heartbroken and often lose faith; they lose the ability to trust themselves, others and God.
   

We are vulnerable to Satan's deception in these areas if we fail to clothe ourselves daily with the spiritual armor of the belt of truth.

For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. ~Ecclesiastes 12:14

So when a person is confronted with the truth, and instead of accepting the truth with humility, contemplating it and then eventually embracing it -- if that person instead becomes angry, belligerent, avoidant or defensive, then I am convinced that Satan is at work and such a person is under the influence of a demonic spirit of deceit.

Now if we, as Christians, are to seriously take on the armor of God, committing to draw closer to Him, we must rebuke the spirit of Satan at every turn. We must begin to see him in operation in our everyday lives and be first honest with our own selves before we can contemplate being honest with others.

I've often found that people take on the issue of evil in OTHERS. They become champions of good causes and crusaders for truth, exposing it in systems, groups, families and the like. But isn't it clear that the most worthy cause one can ever undertake is to expose the lies within our own hearts, the barriers we create for our own selves? Let us please not underestimate the power of our own intentions.

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lighted, as when the light of a lamp shines on you." ~ Luke 11:33-36

What this scripture means is our minds determine what decisions we make and therefore what our actions will be---either good or evil. If our thoughts are good our actions will be good. If our thoughts are bad, our actions will be bad. Therefore we should build our lives around letting God control our minds by His Spirit working through His Word. We cannot do this without self-reflection. Once we have examined the spirit that operates within us, whether it is full of darkness or light, whether it has tinges of darkness that has dampened the light, indeed we are ready to take on the world. But if this not done, no matter how good our "works", the spirit behind the works, the intention of our hearts may be interlaced with lies and under the influence of a demonic spirit of the deceit; in short, darkness. The true test of that rests in how willing we are to hear the truth about ourselves when situations call the darkest parts of ourselves to attention.

Do we run? Do we hide? Do we attack?

How can we begin to be able to hear the truth, and accept it? First we must rid ourselves of the foothold that the demonic spirit of Satan has taken in our mind and hearts. Bitterness, anger, disputes amongst each other must be reconciled and resolved whenever possible. If one takes the step and is not received then his/her conscious should be clear, but if we knowingly harbor resentments, anger and uphold deceit or if we fail to make amends for the hurt we've inflicted on others, to apologize, ask for forgiveness and then act on our words -- in short if we run from the truth it will work as a poison inside of us, destroying the Holy Spirit of God which we need to combat the demonic influence of Satan. Knowing that men look on the outward appearance but God looks at our hearts, we must endeavor to always operate, as Christians, with the highest ideals.

As Paul said in his first letter to the Corinthians:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.~1 Corinthians 4:3-5