DEMONS AMONGST US

"To my holiest friends,

I want to say I understand I have made grave mistakes. I made choices that clearly hurt people I love. I am infinitely saddened and profoundly sorry for the pain I have caused.

I take full responsibility for all the pain I have inflicted. Clearly all of this and more indicates that in these regards I am sick. I need to acknowledge that sickness and to get help for it. That is what I am doing in this letter.

I want to state clearly and unequivocally that I now recognize that I am sick in these ways and I am committed with all of my energy to check myself into the appropriate programs that will get me healing on this. I have already turned to a leading figure to guide my treatment program and am entering treatment immediately. I want to enter into the most appropriate healing process with both myself and where appropriate with the others involved.

I promise you from the bottom of my heart and in the name of everything that is holy, I am taking this crisis with utmost seriousness. I am making healing the number one priority of my life. I must act now to discover what led to me to make these damaging choices that hurt people I care about, hurt my community, and hurt the people who have supported me for years in building Bayit Chadash.

In light of all that has happened I am leaving all of my rabbinic teaching capacities. I am looking now, together with a professional team, for treatment centers where I can go and learn about what led me here, where I can grieve for all the pain that I have caused, and where I can heal so that this never happens again.

I apologize with all of my heart and soul to everyone.

With love and pain beyond words,

MORDECHAI"

The above words were written by Rabbi Mordechai Gafni in May of 2006 after three women, all age 20, filed charges of sexual assault/clergy misconduct against him with the Israeli police. The women reported the offense occurred during Torah lessons given by Gafni.

Immediately after these charges were filed Rabbi Mordechai Gafni aka Mordechai "Marc" Winiarz aka Marc Gafni fled Israel resurfacing in the United States where he is believed to be in hiding at the home of one of his many female friends. He first surfaced in Boston, Ma, then migrated to Boulder, Co and was last seen in Houston, Texas. If the past is the best predictor of future behavior Gafni will reinvent himself, as he did after allegations of child molestation were first filed against him in the 1980s. He has confessed to sexual acts of perversion and molestation against women in the past and subsequently went on to changed his name, remarry and/or become involved in a number of troubled relationships. You can read a complete account of his escapades here .

• ^{Ephesians 6:10}
• Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Having first read his seemingly heartfelt apology did you believe it? Did you find it sincere? It would be one of your greatest follies if you had. When one is dealing with a sociopath one must suspend with any ideas of integrity, morality and accountability. Put on the shelf everything that you have been taught to believe about how human beings interact with each other and pretend for one moment that you are dealing with a robot with a mission to dominate, abuse and treat human beings cruelly - for that is the only way they can survive. Realize that in the presence of a sociopath you are dealing with a disordered, abnormal human being.

Imagine that this "robot" has been pre-programmed with software which dictates the only way s/he can continue to exist is through the constant, systematic emotional destruction of other human beings. Imagine that the purpose of this behavior is to deny a repressed, deep-seated rage and self-hatred which is the source of many layers of disordered, maladjusted coping mechanisms. If it helps, consider this robot, masked as a person who cannot feel anything but self-disgust, profound insecurity, rage, envy but must, at all costs deny this. This robot then, peddling against the rising tides of his repressed emotions, feels by "feeding" on the emotional responses of others, feeling feigned power in having instigated the emotion of others or simultaneous disgust and superiority at their weakness and the powerfulness of her/himself for NOT having those feelings.

Put plainly, the sociopath feels good only when he is able to fool you into believing the s/he IS GOOD! If s/he can fool you, then s/he can also believe it.

That's it. Once you can understand that and are able to put into context the many seemingly heartfelt conversations, disclosures and promises you've shared with this type of person -- once you can understand that it was all an act designed to fool you AND her/himself, you will no longer be perplexed at the lies and deception. Think about it. This person wants you to believe desperately that they are okay - they probably spend a lot of time talking about how okay they are - the good they do, how much hard work they are engaged in, the charity that they give to people which isn't appreciated, the pain they've endured, how much they care about others. Forget it. It's all lip service. It's all designed to "get" you to like them, to consider them "worthy"; to solicit certain emotions from you. It's calculated and insincere. It isn't honest.

If you can imagine for a moment that in the mind of this type of person there are clear and concise acts they engage in, steps they partake in designed to elicit emotion; steps that this person has mastered; if you can also accept that those steps, dishonest and lacking in validity and integrity, have become second nature to this person -- if you can slowly (for it will take time for a normal human being) come to the realization that of those steps the first and most important reads: ASSUME THE PRETENSE OF GOODNESS AND NORMALITY you will no longer find it hard to comprehend the mind of a sociopath.

This means ACT good, PRETEND to care, GIVE with ulterior motives, EXAGGERATE your accomplishments, TALK about being good but never ever really do good when it matters - choose only to polish the IMAGE of good.

Take the time to imagine living with such a person, interacting with this inhumane entity on a daily basis. You will find no matter who it is, very strict guidelines dictate in terms of their interaction with others:

1. NEVER ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING. Sometimes pretend to assume responsibility but give away your true feelings by rationalizing, explaining and deflecting the focus of the wrongdoing onto another person, or suggest that some unforseen situation was the cause. Become a master at language and highly intellectual. Learn how to talk circles around other people. Most people will become tired and confused at the sheer barrage of words being thrown their way.
   
2. BECOME MASTERFUL AT INTELLECTUAL ARGUMENTS. When discussing emotions, especially if someone is hurt, there is no place for intellectual explanations. A sincere human being will respond (reflect back) to another person who is hurt recognition of their hurt with an apology. They will respond back with what the person has confessed, i.e., I understand. You feel hurt, ignored, cheated, etc. and then they will apologize and ask to make restitution. ANYONE WHO EXPLAINS AWAY HURTFUL BEHAVIOR IS A BROKEN HUMAN BEING and shows evidence of some level of sociopathy. Ask yourself, why would someone try to "explain" to another person why they should NOT be hurt? Here is why you should not feel that way!?! - Huh????? What kind of a person responds that way? What is their motivation?
   
3. BECOME AN EXPERT AT MIMICKING HUMAN EMOTIONS. Cry, lament, speak of shame and confusion but clearly continue the harmful behavior and escalate it; if the offending act has already been committed DO NOTHING to rectify the situation. If confronted, use No. 1 and No. 2 to explain your behavior and deflect responsibility.
4. REQUEST SYMPATHY, FORGIVENESS AND UNDERSTANDING. Play the victim. Pity is an emotion to be given not normally demanded. The sociopath goes a step further; s/he solicits sympathy even as the offending behavior continues, escalates or remains without restitution. The sociopath campaigns for your sympathy while his/her promises to change remain unfulfilled. The sociopath feeds on the sympathy of others, needing a never-ending supply. Your sympathy makes THEM feel good so there is no need to change anything. It's not about you for them -- it's about them, all the time.
   

The sociopath lives to run away from feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy -- feelings of being "bad". The fact that the sociopath engages in behavior that precipitates such feelings WILL NEVER BE ACKNOWLEDGED because it is too painful - RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY, that is the sociopath's motto.

1. SOW DISCORD WHENEVER YOU CAN. The sociopath seeks power in all of his relationships, the power to determine what the "other" person feels and thinks -- and this is important -- NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. In this way, the sociopaths assures s/he can do whatever they want. If s/he is in control of others than he is "content" since the truth is the sociopath cannot be happy. In reality, sociopaths resent anyone else their happiness. What the sociopath is seeking is to feel powerful, even at your expense. Causing misery and pain works very well in allowing the sociopath to experience that feeling of power. The sociopath considers what we call positive emotions weak, partly because s/he cannot express those emotions and in large part because s/he doesn't trust their validity (how can it be real if I can't feel it). This is an example of Projected Identification. The sociopath believes everyone else is like s/he is. Sam Vankin illustrates this abnormality in thinking in the following:

"I hate holidays and birthdays, including my birthday. It is because I hate it when other people are happy if I am not the cause of it. I have to be the prime mover and shaker of EVERYONE's mood. And no one will tell me HOW I should feel. I am my own master. I feel that their happiness is false, fake, forced. I feel that they are hypocrites, dissimulating joy where there is none. I feel envious, humiliated by my envy, and enraged by my humiliation. I feel that they are the recipients of a gift I will never have: the ability to enjoy life and to feel joy.

And then I do my best to destroy their mood: I bring bad news, provoke a fight, make a disparaging remark, project a dire future, sow uncertainty in the relationship, and when the other person is sour and sad, I feel relieved.

It's back to normal. My mood improves dramatically and I try to cheer her up. Now if she does cheer up - it is REAL. It is my doing. I controlled it.

And I controlled HER. . . . I destroy in order to equalize the misery. I rage in order to induce rage. Holidays create in me an abandon of negative, nihilistic emotions, the only ones I consciously possess.

On holidays and on my birthday, I make it a point to carry on routinely.

I accept no gifts, I do not celebrate, I work till the wee hours of the night. It is a demonstrative refusal to participate, a rejection of social norms, an "in your face" statement of withdrawal. It makes me feel unique. It makes me feel even more deprived and punished. It feeds the furnace of hatred, the bestial anger, the all engulfing scorn I harbour. I want to be drawn out of my sulk and pouting - yet, I decline any such offer, evade any such attempt, hurt those who try to make me smile and to forget. In times like that, in holidays and birthdays, I am reminded of this fundamental truth: my voluptuous, virulent, spiteful, hissing and spitting grudge is all I have. Those who threaten to take it away from me - with their love, affection, compassion, or care - are my mortal enemies indeed."~ A Holiday Grudge

Dr. Robert Hare's Symptoms of Psychopaths/Sociopaths:

© 1993 by Robert D. Hare, PhD. Reprinted by permission of The Guilford Press.

Interpersonal Traits

• Glib and superficial
• Egocentric and grandiose
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Lack of empathy
• Deceitful and manipulative
• Shallow emotions

Antisocial Lifestyle

• Impulsive
• Poor behavior controls
• Need for excitement
• Lack of responsibility
• Early behavior problems
• Adult antisocial behavior
• The complete picture

For a clear description of the many facets of a sociopath, please refer to the following list. You might find that a sociopath has more than one of these traits and as you read the list if you are intimately involved with one a sickening feeling will begin to develop in the pit of your stomach.

But take heart, there is hope. The blessings one can take away AFTER having dealt with a sociopath can enable a person to recognize another in the future despite their uncanny ability to be charismatic, charming, pretend to be understanding, sympathetic, giving and charitable:

• Sociopaths will respond abnormally to "crazy" situations and will demand that you do so as well. More often than not, they will be the cause of the "crazy" situation and will be looking to deflect responsibility. Pretending the nothing is wrong is one of their favorite past times. A sociopath will be calm amongst chaos and will try to get other people to do the same. A sociopath, living for the feeling of conquest and power, will demand that others react in the way that s/he deems is appropriate. So they will want you to act normal when experiencing abuse; act happy when being taken advantaged of; act satisfied when being deprived -- you get the picture. And while engaging in this mind manipulation, the sociopath will regard a normal person's reaction as "crazy" and will waste no time in labeling the person as such. "What in the world is HER problem?" the sociopath will lament. Oh s/he knows very well -- it is YOU they are trying to fool.

• They will first idealize and then establish a pattern of devaluing and discarding. This will continue for the entire duration of the relationship. After the first initial stage of idealization they will idealize less and devalue and discard with more frequency. I have not read a more concise explanation of this pathology than here:

"The narcissist (sociopath) idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue. This is THE core narcissistic behavior. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.
There are a million ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a morbid sense of humour, or consistently tactless – is to abuse. To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore – are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long.
Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously ("ambient abuse"). They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse." ~From "The Spouse/Mate/Partner of the Narcissist."

THERE IS NO CURE FOR A SOCIOPATH but it can become pretty easy to avoid dealing with them. It might not be possible to avoid coming in contact with one, as you can meet one anywhere but as long as you do the following, trust me, their true colors will emerge.

• TAKE TIME TO DEVELOP RELATIONSHIPS. The truth always -- I cannot emphasize this enough -- A L W A Y S shows itself. ALWAYS! Once you call attention to the sociopath's negative behaviors, s/he will begin to "act out" (attack, project, deflect, runaway).
  
• TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. Spiritually we always know when something is wrong. Sometimes we have been trained by sociopathic parents to ignore our gut feelings and we may spiritually invite such people into our lives to teach ourselves as adults to trust our instincts.
  
• IF YOU HAVE A DOUBT ABOUT A PERSON consider it, pursue avenues to allay your doubts. Bring up your feelings. You need not do anything right away but just pay closer attention to the person, WATCH THEM and LISTEN to them; reevaluate everything that person does and says from then on - it will help you determine if you are dealing with a broken person. If they devalue and ignore your feelings that is a big, glaring RED FLAG.
  
• ASK OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR OPINIONS. Sociopaths burn people all the time. If you dig far enough into their past you will meet some of their victims. Listen to their stories, compare them to your present experiences. A new picture of the person you are dealing with will begin to emerge.
• VERIFY SUSPICIOUS STORIES If the person says they went to a certain college and you are feeling uneasy - CHECK! Once you uncover one lie you will be well on your way to peeling away the layers of others. The sociopath will then begin to back peddle, scapegoat, attack and deny, deny, deny. Continue to trust what your gut is saying in regards to this person. God speaks to us through our instincts. God does not lie.

So the questions is, as my title insinuates, are sociopath's evil?

• Daniel 8:25:
• ²⁵ He will be a master of deception and will become arrogant; he will destroy many without warning. He will even take on the Prince of Princes in battle, but he will be broken, though not by human power.

Sociopaths have no good intentions towards you; they are not interested in helping you, growing spiritually with you or growing spiritually alone, for that matter. They don't care about your feelings and are not interested in how you've been hurt. They lie, use and spiritually destroy any and everyone they come in contact with. They don't seek to do good but to do harm and only ever do good as a pretense.

Are sociopath's evil?

Yes, they are. In my personal opinion, they are under demonic influences and since our battle on this earth is spiritual - we can only combat a demonic force spiritually or else we should avoid them at all costs.If you have ever had the misfortune of becoming intimately involved with such a broken human being or God forbid, are the sibling or child of one remember: WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU IS INTENDED TO MAKE YOU STRONGER AND WISER!