Intolerance

In the past, in the face of someones' intolerance I would immediately and in large part unconsciously, prepare for battle. Every sense of my being would feel like it was in danger and to protect myself I would react in anger and with my own form of intolerance - intolerance of their intolerance.

Of course, such behavior would immediately be branded hostile, I would immediately be labeled a "troublemaker" and the one "looking for a fight". Dejectedly, I would emerge from such conversations troubled, confused, hurt and deeply wounded - AGAIN.

Recently, I went through such a discourse and being more in tuned with both my physical and psychological responses, I realized it was because subconsciously my psyche believed it was in grave danger.

To understand this you would have to be familiar, in small measure, with the kind of parents I grew up with. My parents were not one to be open to the ideas and thoughts of anyone, truly - let alone children. Being that I was their child, my thoughts, feelings and ideas were met with rancor usually accompanied by a slap in the head. I was WRONG for having my thoughts and beliefs - I was BAD for having my thoughts and belief. I was DEFECTIVE for having my thoughts and beliefs.

As an adult, when I expressed a view and another person reacted to that view strongly I didn't understand that their reaction spoke to their own upbringing and baggage; their own insecurities and perceptions. I reacted in the same way that I would have as a child, as if this person was calling me "bad", "defective" and "wrong" and as if it was true! I raised my arms and held them across my face to ward off the blows but not being a child any longer - I did what I was taught to do best, I fought back with one desire: To get this person to leave me alone or at least so that they'd know not to mess with me.

Not having lived with the physical and emotional abuse that I grew up with it might be hard to understand how as an intelligent adult I could feel so threatened by another person's words?

Well, having given the matter some serious thought, I think I can do a mediocre job of explaining it. As I have briefly explored, my parents viewed my expressions of individuality as a threat to their own warped, misguided need to hold onto denial and in every way attempted to destroy my ability to formulate opinions that differed from their own. They would not let me become my own person. So as an adult, in the face of someones intolerance for my opinion or views, I immediately viewed myself to be in danger of annihilation. Now I suppose anyone reading this would believe that my response was a bit extreme but on some levels it isn't, truly.

Who but a person who is intensely insecure, a person who cannot be in the presence of another with different thoughts, would react to the expression of a differing idea or opinion with vehemence and distaste ?

Surely, having a difference of opinion is in and of itself no crime. However it is the actions, the name-calling, the attempt to denigrate and demean; the intense need to silence through acts of hostility that triggers my own personal red flag.

Subconsciously, I am able to see in some small way how that person is not safe for me to be around. I say in some small way because rationally I accept that a person CAN be intolerant perhaps on the subject of same sex relationships and also liberal when it comes to alcohol consumption - that's possible.

But more often than not, a person who is intolerant of another person's views carries this tendency to be intolerant into other areas of his/her thinking. Their hostile behavior spills over into other areas of relating and it is very likely that having been the brunt of name calling and anger at the mere expression of your opinion once - you will be again.

So I think it was and is rather astute of me to become very aware and very alert in the presense of some one like this. My problem has always been my reaction to them, though. Becoming angry myself at their need to silence me, I gave such people the reason to behave hostile that they were looking for. Not being able to own their own intolerance people like this, much like my parents, project their faults onto others and I, behaving with the same ill-fated coping mechanisms that my own parents used to protect themselves from "hurt" became a very available scapegoat. Amazingly, the role of "scapegoat" - the person to be blamed for all that was wrong -which was the role of choice in my own family of origin was now cast, instead of by my parents, by my own self .

I am very fortunate to be able to experience this with a new awareness. We are all extremely intolerant of other's weaknesses when we cannot control our own - this I have always known to be true, but it has transcended it's normal meaning to take on another. As I am able to connect the dots between the "reasons" for my behavior and my responses, I can see where my feelings are and come up with different responses. I am no longer confused as to the origin of my feelings or a slave to them. Because I understand where my feelings are coming from, I cannot be so easily triggered and knocked off my center.

Now, I can see how sometimes it is better to just walk away - how the fighting in and of itself just feeds the person's need to see you in a negative light.

Once again, the quest which is being endeavored in this essay, which is in keeping with this blog and in some measure all of my writings, has been fulfilled. Self-exploration and honesty has enabled me to reassess my choices and make different ones.

With regard to my own red flag for intolerance in others, I have decided to keep in mind that motive is a very important factor. Since intolerance is defined as:

in·tol·er·ance n. The quality or condition of being intolerant; lack of tolerance

We must look to the definition of tolerance for a full understanding of its meaning:

tol·er·ance n. The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.

By definition, intolerance is the inability to practice a recognition of respect for the beliefs or practices of others. Personally, I believe there are times when it is appropriate to be intolerant of the practices and beliefs of others. Subjects such as abuse and of course racism comes to mind. Even still, there are times when intolerance is unwarranted. Only we can personally decide whether this is true in ourselves, when we are expressing opinions or for others, when we are on the receiving end of them.