CHANGE THROUGH DIALOGUE

Just about anytime we approach the subject of denial with someone - they become defensive.

This is especially true with alcoholics and addicts. They mistakenly associate denial with lying which is unfortunate because denial and lying are two very different things.

Lying is something that a person does consciously — people know when they're lying. They may not be able to control it but they are aware of it. Denial occurs on a subconscious or unconscious level. It is a psychological process that blocks out reality; that is, blocks out conscious awareness of something that feels threatening to the individual.

People honestly do not know when they are "in denial". We can often see denial as it occurs in other people; we just can't see it in ourselves. In fact, to the one in denial it is usually completely invisible. In terms of alcohol and drug abuse — be it our own or that of someone who is close to us — problems associated with denial can manifest in one or more ways:

1. Failure to see that a problem exists at all (total blindness)

2. Failure to recognize the extent or severity of the problem (partial blindness)

3. Failure to see a connection between the behavior and the problems that it causes (lack of insight)

4. Failure to understand that they need help to deal with the problem (false pride)

Denial is so common among people who have become addicted to alcohol and other drugs that addiction is sometimes referred to as the Disease of Denial. Indeed, individuals in recovery from addiction are typically surprised at the depth of their denial as it unfolds before them during the recovery process.

Denial can be the fatal aspect of addiction because it leaves the alcoholic/addict vulnerable to taking greater risks for longer periods of time. It impairs judgment, resulting in self-delusion, preventing the addict from seeing and understanding the implications of his or her behavior until it is too late.

People in denial see themselves as the exception to the rule and even documented evidence to the contrary won’t persuade them differently.

Denial is sustained with psychological defenses. All of us, not just addicts, have our own defense mechanisms. Here are a few:

Rationalizing (here is the good reason why . . .)

Intellectualizing (in actuality, this is what is really going on . .)

Minimizing (it's really not that bad . . .)

Analyzing (well, why do you think it's that bad . . . )

Withdrawing (I'm not really feeling well enough to talk about this now . . .)

Silence

Defiance (I am NOT going to talk about this now)

Blaming (You're the reason why I'm doing it, any way . . .)

Bargaining (Well, if you'll do A then I'll do B . . .)

Comparing (Well, you do it, too . . .)

Joking, Smiling & Laughing (Ha, ha, this reminds me of . . .)

Justifying (If you were in my position, you'd do it too . . .)

Projecting (I'm not the . . . . that you are)

Arguing/Explaining (I have always been . . . that's your opinion - who's to say . . .)

Changing the Subject (That reminds me, did you hear about . .)

Generalizing (Well, it's like that all over the world, in fact in 1950 the Albanians . . . )

Of course, there are many more. These are just some of the most prevalent. Substance abuse is not the only area of people’s lives in which denial comes up. In fact, all of us can develop and maintain denial in any circumstance or situation in which we feel threatened, afraid, or unable to handle it.

Other instances of denial might look like this:

• A battered spouse fails to recognize the extent of the abuse until it results in severe consequences.

• An individual fails to see the depth of the dysfunction in his or her relationship until the partner says that he/she wants to end it.

• An individual refuses to acknowledge the decline in his or her physical health until he/she falls very ill.

Movement through denial requires traits that people with strong defenses have few of, such as willingness and open-mindedness. Sometimes it requires us to trust our relationships with other people who are willing to confront us honestly and openly. It always takes humility, the ability to see and accept the truth about ourselves.The place to start moving through denial is understanding that we have it. This is easier once we know that it isn’t just us, but rather, denial is a universal human trait. Everyone has denial. Everyone has blind spots.The next step is to repeatedly remind ourselves to consider the opinions of others with an open mind.

Some people find it helpful to keep handy a few simple, internal questions or statements like these:

• "What part of what he/she just said could be true?"

• "If I feel this defensive, I must be hearing something threatening. What might that be?"

• "What does he/she see about me that I cannot see about myself?"

• "Could I possibly be kidding myself about that?"

The next step is to talk openly with someone you trust about the answers to those questions. We can answer our internal questions internally first but to experience the full benefit of the process, we need to open up and talk out loud with another person. That's when denial loses its power over us. The only requirement is honesty. We will never be completely free of denial. Our brains are not that efficient. The goal is to move through it bit by bit, honestly and systematically, and to be open to accepting help with the process . . . Like other aspects of recovery, movement through denial takes time, effort, patience, and willingness.

We Can't Change What We Don't Acknowledge

Many dialogues result in disappointing outcomes because insufficient attention has been paid to what might be getting in the way of progress.

For productive dialogue to take place, for example, we have to understand what motivates the other side and uncover hidden assumptions . . . gain insights into [our] own and others’ assumptions and fears, and discover new ways of bringing about change. Creating a culture of listening, which encourages participants to move beyond familiar ways of thinking and to put themselves in each other’s shoes leads to a richer quality of dialogue and a deeper level of understanding, offering the best possibility for change.

Some of the factors commonly impeding productive dialogue include:

FIXED ASSUMPTIONS

When people with different perspectives or backgrounds come together it is common that they have difficulty understanding one another and each other’s point of view. Values are often deeply embedded in unstated philosophical frameworks.
There are hidden assumptions about how the world should be organised and how people should behave. It may be necessary to examine some of these basic assumptions and the specific cultural contexts from which they emerge before entering into dialogue

HIDDEN FEARS

Successful dialogue depends upon participants feeling safe. If we are genuine about our desire to reduce conflict,we have to take into account not only our own needs and fears, but also those of the other side. Progress can be held up because one or more parties are operating on a model where their own sense of security depends on the diminished sense of security of the other, where

My security is based on your insecurity

ESTABLISHED POSITIONS

Many dialogues are conducted in a climate of rhetoric and platitudes . People have already positioned themselves and come to the table with rehearsed arguments. This may be because they are presenting an official line, or that their position derives from such deeply ingrained ideological frameworks, political values or moral beliefs they are no longer aware of their fixed nature. This makes it very difficult for them to be open to hear the real needs and concerns of the other party to the dialogue.

POWER GAMES

Dialogues are often conducted like a game of poker, where you don't reveal your cards until the last moment. Such a model is based on the principle of exclusively guarding one's own best interests at all cost. This may result in short-term advantage but is not conducive to reaching any lasting understanding since it fails to take into account the needs of all parties in the discussion . It increases the likelihood of retaliation by the weaker party from their position of powerlessness. In a ‘win-win’ situation, understanding is reached based on the long-term security needs of both sides.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT

At times, members of the dialogue will trump the conversation by bringing up some loosely related topic which changes the whole direction of discourse. Whether intentional or unintentional, the meaning of the conversation is lost and the thoughts and views become scattered. One common example of this is the use of humor or generalities. For example, a conversation on the abuse in a family may digress into a general conversation about abuse in the world or the sinful state of man and how he is hopeless to change it. Humor, on the other hand, can be used to take way from the seriousness of conversation. By telling a timely joke, a person can side track the healing that could occur by changing the overall tone of the conversation. Someone might have been trying to discuss the way Mother seems to be get sick everytime one of her children has something important to do and the "clown" in the family will start paradying one of her latest sicknesses - everyone will laugh and the moment for a serious discussion and a chance for change and healing is lost.

All of these are coping mechanisms which will always impede successful dialogue and CHANGE.

****This post was put together using text copied over from a number of sites and some of my own words