If a person experiences feelings of being tense, guarded, suspicious, schizoid, socially isolated with restricted emotional expression;
if a person is emotionally detached, dramatic, emotional, erratic, antisocial, manipulative, exploitative, dishonest, disloyal;
if a person lacks guilt, breaks social rules, has a childhood history of troubled behavior;
if a person is borderline and cannot tolerate being alone, is intense, has unstable moods and personal relationships, is prone to show chronic anger and engage in drug/alcohol abuse;
if a person is histrionic, seductive;
if a person is in need immediate gratification and constant reassurance;
if a person has rapidly changing moods, or if a person has shallow emotions;
if a person is narcissistic or self-absorbed;
if a person expects special treatment and adulation;
if a person is envious of attention to others;
if a person is anxious, fearful and has avoidance tendencies;
if a person is easily hurt and embarrassed or has few close friends;
if a person sticks to routines to avoid new and possibly stressful experiences;
if a person is dependent and wants others to make decisions for them;
if a person needs constant advice and reassurance and fears being abandoned;
if a person is Obsessive-Compulsive or a perfectionist, over conscientious, indecisive, preoccupied with details, stiff and unable to return affection;
if a person is Passive-Aggressive and resents demands and suggestions;
if a person procrastinates, sulks, "forgets" obligations or is deliberately inefficient;
If a person presents with a number of, most or a portion of these negative coping mechanisms to a dilapidating degree
and
(AND HERE'S THE KICKER)
if that person is determined to NOT deal with these negative attributes, to not see them, to not admit to having them and to not change them, then how in God's name would such a person be able to function in the world, in life, with a measure of security, with a measure of self-worth, with a measure of self-esteem?
Well, anyone who has struggled with a Narcissist, anyone who has had an abusive parent/partner/boss/co-worker/friend, anyone who has been unfortunate enough to have a person like this as a parent should be able to answer this question easily.
A person in such denial is able to function by finding someone that they can rob of their security, their self-worth, their self-esteem and their sense of sanity!
Isn't that the ticket? Haven't so many of us bought it and sat in the hot seat waiting, feeling anxious, feeling confused, feeling worthless, feeling unappreciated, feeling ignored, feeling devalued, feeling ignorant, feeling inept, feeling unprepared and ill-equipped, feeling angry beyond reason, frustrated beyond reason, feeling harassed and maligned, feeling put down and put upon, feeling unheard and unloved -- FEELING HOPELESS?????
The negative coping mechanisms listed in the Cluster of Disorders article below, how would they make someone feel, if the person who suffered from them COULD be honest?????
Is it a stretch to realize that those negative coping mechanisms would cause a person who has resorted to using them to be left confused, feeling worthless, feeling unappreciated, feeling ignored, feeling devalued, feeling ignorant, feeling inept, feeling unprepared and ill-equipped, feeling angry beyond reason, frustrated beyond reason, feeling harassed and maligned, feeling put down and put upon, feeling unheard and unloved?
THEY attempt to make us feel like THEY feel so THEY don't HAVE TO feel that way and they do it and do it and do it and do it by engaging us over and over and over and over and over again.
That is why THEY won't leave us alone.
That is why THEY won't stop calling.
That is why THEY will try the same tactics over and over and over again.
That is why THEY simmer down and pretend to be different (while the anxiety and self-defeating FEELINGS build up inside of them) and then when THEY can't stand it anymore and need an outlet -
BLAMMMM!!!!! Out of the blue, you get hit with a dose of their toxicity AND you feel like crap.
Don't you know why?
Because you keep engaging with them over and over and over again, in the S A M E self-defeating way.
You sabotage our own self.
That is why I believe, when a person cannot admit to their inadequacies, when they have their defense mechanisms firmly in place and cannot acknowledge their faults because they are so invested in NOT seeing it, because it is too scary and too much to even consider the possibility of change . . . the person on the receiving end of their dumping of emotions needs to get their boundaries FIRMLY in place. It's not gonna change. Not unless YOU stop it. The other person is getting their pay off.
I believe how you stop it is by NOT ENGAGING that person anymore, no matter how much they might try to entice you to, NOT in the self-defeating way that they WANT to. I say, you've got to do it in a way that puts changing the dynamic of the relationship at the forefront of the mind of that person.
But more importantly, if you're hurting too much, if that person is way too entrenched in their ways, if that person is very toxic, if that person cannot HEAR you no matter how much you try and try and try and try to speak to them because they just don't have the ability OR the inclination, no matter how subconscious -- I say you must separate. Save yourself; your sanity; your sense of security; your measure of self-esteem; your voice.
It's like Maya Angelou said once: When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
