Trying to Heal (An illustrative example of the effects of an abusive personality)

Imagine you are walking down the street minding your own business and a man comes running down the block. He slams into you and knocks you down into the ground. All of a sudden he's kicking you in the ribs and punching you in the face. You're yelling and screaming, but he seems to be in a rage where your voice can't be heard. As you're screaming and crying hysterically, he stops abruptly, but it's too late. By this time, your jaw is cracked and your ribs are bruised. You've twisted your ankle and broken two fingers in your left hand trying to protect yourself and get away; your nose is fractured and your shoulder is dislocated.

In a eerie about face, your attacker breaks down into a torrent of tears. He claims he thought you were someone else, someone who had attacked HIM without cause years ago and put him in a coma for a year. Knowing perfectly well how horrible it is to be attacked without cause, some part of you actually BELIEVES him -AND - feels SORRY for him.

He says he will do whatever he can to make it up to you. Gingerly he carries you to the ambulance and while ignoring the shocked faces of the ambulance attendants he climbs into the back of the ambulance and holds your one good hand all the way to the hospital.

HE IS NOT ARRESTED because he tells the police such a heartwarming, gut wrenching tale of all that he's been through, being in a coma and all for a year that they actually believe his crap of a story.

True to his word your attacker visits you everyday. He brings you flowers -- which the doctors have told him not to because your nose is healing and you have allergies.

He brings them anyway.

When you, sneezing uncontrollably, ask him to get rid of them, he gets angry! He snatches the flowers, stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind him which hits you in the face and re-fractures your nose.

He brings you poetry, which he says he thought would be great for the two of you to read out loud together. Except your jaw is healing and you can't read out loud that well. When you tell him that, he gets angry. He asks you to explain why reading poetry should affect your jaw healing and even though it is obvious, you explain again and again.

You spend so long arguing with him about it the doctor orders you to remain silent for the next week. Despite the doctors orders he returns again and again with poetry and gets angry EACH AND EVERY TIME you decline to participate in his reading. ***Note that the reading is his plan. He hasn't once asked you what you would like to do and he's not about to either.

He plans a quiet walk through the hospital grounds because he says that the fresh air would be great for the two of you. He says walking helps him forget the year he was in coma and is very soothing for him. You CANNOT walk anywhere without great difficulty because your ankle is broken. When you tell him this he is furious.

He says despite everything he's been trying to do to make your stay at the hospital better it is obvious that you are a selfish, self-centered person who is intent on only doing what you want while ignoring his needs all together. He says you are treating him horribly. He complains that he cannot even go to work, what with having to visit you every day at the hospital. And when he asks to go for a simple, short walk in the hospital grounds so he can clear his mind and relax you can't even agree to that.

He wants to know what are the rules for visiting you?




Since you obviously want to control everything he says and does he suggests you should just write it all down for him so he knows in advance. (He carefully forgets, however, the fact that he disregards everything you say anyway.)

He says you do not understand the stress he's under. The phone calls and interviews he's had to give to the press regarding the attack have left him with absolutely no privacy and he feels as if he is having a nervous break down. He says that he has had it up to here with your behavior, and if you do not shape up he is never coming to visit you at the hospital again!

How do you describe this CRAZY behavior?

The man does not factor into his thinking the fact that:

HE IS TO BLAME FOR THE VERY SITUATION HE COMPLAINS OF
That is because he is not willing to endure one ounce of discomfort for your sake.

Who cares if he's hurt you and you're trying to heal?
Who cares if he is constantly reinjuring you?

The only person he cares about himself! The only person's discomfort he is trying to aleve is himself. He accuses you of being selfish because you won't forgo your own safety and well being to cater to him!!!!!!

Selfish doesn't begin to describe this type of behavior.
It is CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!!!

Of course you feel taken advantaged of, and dare I say, USED!

Of course you're angry!!!

This kind of person regards you as an object to be utilized and discarded at their whim. Sort of like a toddler's play toy. And that's what this kind of person is, a two year old, with all the outrageous sense of entitlement and characteristically disregard for the feelings of others. It's I, I, I, in their world You and your feelings, unfortunately, count for very little - nothing, even.

I cannot for the life of me imagine choosing to live with someone like this for the rest of my life. And what about being forced to live with someone like this?

I now understand why I was so depressed for the first fifteen years of my life.Ask yourself, would any healthy person want to be in this person's company for any length of time?

Guard your Grill - The Abusive Personality

The sole goal of a person with an Abusive Personality is to never take responsibility for anything. Now, while this might be enough to cause anyone to give someone like this a wide berth, it gets worse.

First, we must realize that a person with an Abusive Personality, (AP) possesses a highly developed sense of entitlement, a lethal shot of narcissism (if the person isn't just plain old Narcissistic) that tells the person that they can do whatever they want to whoever they want without ever having to face the consequences.

It's probably common knowledge by now that the person with AP doesn’t feel real good about themselves. Why should they?

They’re always involved in some horrible, insensitive, heinous act for which they are desperately trying to disassociate themselves. Doing tricks and flips to avoid responsibility for your actions doesn't leave much time for cultivating a real good personality that can sustain healthy relationships. This would probably explain why people like this rarely have any REAL friends.

So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to know then, that in addition to someone they can constantly blame for their mistakes the AP person is also looking for someone who will miraculously, at the same time, make them “feel” like a good person.

So watch out, here comes the one-two knock out punch combination. While I feign surprise at your outrageously -- and yet curiously accurate -- accusation of my latest evil deed, shockingly you’ll find me lurking around an emotional corner (the next minute, the next hour, the next day) with my hand out, looking for some praise and appreciation for even the slightest, smallest thing I’ve EVER done that could be classified as a “good deed”.

They're also looking to you to make them feel better for having misbehaved! Tell me I'm forgiven. Tell me it's all right. Tell me you don't hold anything against me, the abuser will silently cry. Hell, they can't live with themselves either.

Does this sound familiar?

What do you mean you can’t pick me up from Gary’s, didn’t I help you up from the floor this morning? -- (Yeah, after you called me a selfish bitch and knocked me down because I pointed out that I wasn't about to be late for work, which I would be if I went out of my way to drop you off at Gary’s house.)

*** I must mention, please don’t make a fuss about whether what the AP person is saying they should be appreciated for is actually the TRUTH. (You know, that incident with the car and Gary? Guess what, he or she will probably say it never happened -- at least not the way you remember it!)

The abusive person never bothers himself with something as pesky as the truth. For this person the truth is a lucid, fluid, stretchable, bendable tool that he/she can utilize to get their quick fix which are always the two big As: Their target's Approval and Attention.

So why should you be surprised to hear me say I recommend avoiding such people like the plague?

If you value your peace of mind in any way I bet you will. Not content to just be a part of your life, much like a rock, unthinking and making no contribution at all, the AP person is instead more akin to fashion themselves like the HIV virus, attaching itself to your healthy, good cells while systematically killing off your defenses.

Soon you’re weak and exposed, slowly emotionally dying. It’s no wonder why! Adding insult to injury, the AP person will suck you in (with false compliments, claims of undying love and devotion, promises to change) and spit you out again, over and over.

It’s the only way a person without a solid core sense of self can survive. By stealing yours away from you.