Identifying Abuse Check List

As far as I'm concerned, the dilemma most survivors of traumatic experiences involving long term abuse face is the placing of blame on the abuser - that is, realizing the abuse is not our fault and putting the blame where it belongs, on the shoulders of the abuser. But so many of us have such a hard time even identifying the abuse for what it is.

I believe that once we can identify the abuse for what it is, then we can tackle learning how to create healthy boundaries, which may include removing ourselves from the relationship with the abuser.

To go even further, we can also begin to look at our own history, to learn about ourselves, the self-defeating mechanisms we may have; the negative tapes we may have playing in our minds and if we are willing, at how we ourselves can be abusive to others.

So I believe this check list, familiarizing ourselves with it and internalizing what is "RIGHT" and what is "WRONG" in terms of how we should be treated AND how we should treat others is essential.

"Abuse comes in many forms: verbal, physical, mental, sexual, and of course emotional, which underlies all other types of abuse.
Those who abuse have not come to terms with their own past emotional issues. Whether it's insecurities they haven't dealt with or the need to maintain complete control of their world, they will rob you of your freedoms in order to feel better about themselves. They will attempt to achieve power by lowering your self-worth because they're threatened by you, or because they don't understand or respect you.

Abusers are weak and have personal limitations they have yet not learned to overcome. The less they feel in control the more abusive they get, as they fall into their own limited emotional states which are usually outside their conscious awareness.

This is important to know because, while you are the one who is made to feel inadequate, the abuse you receive seldom has anything to do with you. Unfortunately, we often carry the scars long after the abuse ended.

Ways people abuse you

1. Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to justify actions or ideas
2. Accuse and blame to divert attention away from them selves
3. Refuse to take another's point of view and irrationally defend their point of view
4. With hold information so the abused will look bad later on ("you should have known that").
5. Not sharing information someone is entitled to
6. Not acknowledging another's feeling
7. Slighting or taking digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner. (Allows the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive) My note here: Or that he/she didn't mean anything by it
8. Changing the subject to divert attention from themselves
9. Making someone feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.
10. Threatening or hinting of physical, mental or sexual abuse
11. Denying anything is wrong [/strong] (not being responsible and lying to self)
12. Inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame)
13. Controlling others to domineer and limit the freedom or expression
14. Forgetting commitments and promises.
15. Denying success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.
16. Taking advantage of ones weakness or using shame, guilt or fear against another
17. Manipulating another person against their will
18. Submissive actions
19. Cutting some one off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.
20. Eliminating your ability to choose.
21. Inappropriate questions or comments to evoke an emotional response
22. Humiliating someone in front of others or inappropriately pushing their buttons
23. Pretending to understand your concerns, and then disregarding them
24. Slandering some one's name, reputation, associations or activities

*emphasis added to point to the more insidious tactics that are not readily identifiable.

THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF ABUSE include detachment, isolation, and a feeling of being unreal or cold to the world. It lowers self-worth and self-esteem. Past memories may be hazy or entire portions of a persons past may not even be accessible. Unresolved feelings from past abuse are a major cause of emotional disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression and OCD.

UNRESOLVED NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND STRESS have been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse they suffered in childhood, will have a harder time dealing with stressful situations in their lives. They'll end up tapping into whatever negative emotions they're carrying every time a situation occurs which reminds them of the abuse they've suffered in the past. Since these reactions happen in the recesses of the subconscious, they may have no understanding of why they feel bad.

LETTING IT GO Yet we continue to hold on to the pain. Maybe we don't know how to let go or maybe it's a matter of principle. When you keep trying to make sense of why this happened, reliving it in your mind over and over again, the suffering continues. Some people carry these events for years, maybe even their entire lives, imprisoned by their own thoughts. If you have the belief you can't let it go, or that you deserve to feel this way, ask yourself "Am I getting any positive results from this in my life?" "How long will I choose to suffer from events that happened long ago?"

Abuse breeds negative emotions, depleting your body's energy, clouding clarity of thought, and keeping you from being your best. If you are in an abusive environment, get out. That may be a scary thought and your options may look very limited. This is because the abuser has made you feel that you have no power, but you do. You must find your power and move on with your life.

HOW CAN I HEAL?

By working with a professional who can assist you in releasing past negative emotions. First you have to decide that it's really time for you to let this go, to take action and to make whatever changes are necessary to move on with your life.